Vanderpump Rules recap: Ambush

 At Villa Blanca, LVP is waiting for Sandoval and Ariana to come teach Wesley, the Villa Blanca bartender, the SUR and PUMP specialty drinks. Sandoval says he’s going with James to a hypno-therapy appointment so James can try to address his emotions and drinking. LVP says he just needs to not drink.

James is meeting his mum, Jacqueline, for lunch to catch up-he’s been avoiding her since the divorce. He uses some weird pie analogy to say he got fired-he tells Mom he’s going to be rapping at an upcoming show (gifts-dear lord please let it be gifts) and she says “fun!”, wants to go to the show and he’s all like sure! Raquel, James’ beauty queen girlfriend comes up, they both gush about her-then James tells Mom how Kristin has been trying him lately. She wishes karma in the form of infertility to Kristin (kind of weird and inappropriate).

Mama Kentucky is packing her bags to go home. She and Kentucky discuss Jax’s fidelity and his history of not having any-but Kentucky just knows he’s been faithful. Bless her heart. Mama Kentucky says there are things she wants to discuss with Jax before she leaves, and as if on cue (haha), in walks Jax. Also, here comes the homophobia. Mama KY asks if it’s true, the homosexual stuff, Jax says no and tries to explain it-Kentucky scolds him for having an “attitude” with her mother. Jax feels attacked and leaves. Ok-first off? None of Sherri’s business. At all. Brittany was an ass-she should have never allowed that conversation to happen, and definitely not taken sides. The whole thing was gross. Take that frosted pink lipstick and fly on back to Kentucky. I’m over Sherri and her judging.

Kentucky is texting Jax, ordering him to come back and apologize to her mother. Side note: the dynamic between Kentucky senior and junior is WEIRD. Anyway-Jax comes back, all like “sigh what NOW?” He thinks that the whole thing should be between Kentucky and him. Mama Kentucky just wants them to be happy-and Jax would be if Kentucky wasn’t such an ingrate, would stop being so influenced by the other girls, and would just let him do what he wants to do. Kentucky comes into the room and the arguing begins. Mama Kentucky shuts it down, then suggests a little church might help.

LVP is painting her VIP room “dirty pink” aka lavender. Katie is half-assedly painting one little spot, and telling LVP that her bridesmaids are having a meeting without her-is that how things roll? She complains about the Scheana/Kristin/money issue-LVP advises her to stay out of it. 

At the tux fitting, Schwartz and crew are looking for the right tux’s to accentuate his suit, which goes with the “woodsy elegance” theme. He actually uttered those words.

At the bridesmaids meeting, Scheana makes it a point to pay Kristin the $500 that has been a sore point for so long, Kristin actually acts like she doesn’t know what it’s for. Kentucky brings up the argument between her and Jax, Stassi takes the opportunity to jump in and issue one of her proclamations “that’s a deal breaker!” and make it about her. They try to pick a bachelorette/bachelor party location but Stassi has already decided it’s going to be in NOLA. Since she’s from there and all. And is bossy. And likes the upper hand. Scheana isn’t too happy that it’s turning into the Stassi show, but has to go along with it. Stassi says she isn’t trying to take over, she just knows everything. 

Schwartz tells the guys/Ariana that NOLA is being suggested and Jax immediately calls it on Stassi’s motives- points out that it’s because she’s from NOLA. Schwartz agrees to it-he sends the bridesmaids back a text and that ends the bridesmaids meeting. “Bridesmaids-hoo ha ha!” I swear.

Katie and LVP are in a flower shop so Katie can get ideas and LVP influence for wedding flower ideas. Her budget for flowers is $6,000-apparently that’s only gonna get her a rose and some weeds. She and LVP start talking about the bitter arguments that Katie and Schwartz have-LVP is concerned because the wedding is right around the corner and the nastiness between the 2 of them still continues. She therapies Katie but I don’t think it penetrates.

Sandoval and James are preparing for the hypnotherapists arrival. James is pretty skeptical-Kristin dragged him through crystal therapy which he found useless, so. When the hypnotherapist asks him what he wants for himself in his life he only goes as deep as his music and performances. Sandoval thinks all of James’ arrogance and bravado is a defense mechanism. James gets hypnotherapied, wakes up not remembering anything but super relaxed, at least.

Ariana is going horseback riding and Scheana is tagging along to watch. Ariana rides around, does jumps-Scheana yells out “good form” as if she knows what she’s talking about. Sandoval shows up and reports on James’ hypnotherapy sesh-Scheana has zero hope for him. They bring up how Schwartz and Katie are meeting with an attorney for their prenup and Scheana thinks prenups are awful.

Katie and Schwartz are in the attorney’s office to discuss the prenup. The attorney looks like they dragged him out of the coffin for this meeting-Schwartz must come from $$ and his parents made him do this. I can’t imagine why else they’d need a prenup. The whole conversation is depressing, who gets what and dog visitation.

Scheana, who has seemingly forgotten her home wrecker past, has dubbed herself the morality police and made it her mission to butt into James’ business. So she meets with Ellie, the scorned alleged other woman, and they decide to crash James’first DJ gig at the new restaurant. So incredibly childish and unflattering for grown women. But, Scheana.

Jax and Kentucky are at dinner, neither can read the menu because it’s “too fancy”. Jax recites for Kentucky the apology for Mama Kentucky, and it looks like he’s agreed to try the church thing. His pretend ignorance of church ritual is so annoying. They also decide that they’re going to crash James’ gig as well. What could be bad about any of this?

At the painting class, Stassi is once again the 3rd wheel. She’s got no boundaries or pride, I swear. She even went on Katie and Schwartz’s honeymoon. Pitiful. Schwartz tries to mediate between Ariana and Stassi but I honestly think few people have given less of a shit about anything as much as Ariana does about Stassi. Stassi feels sad and uncomfy because of Ariana’s disdain for her, and Katie issues a veiled threat that if Ariana can’t be nice to Stassi before the NOLA trip then….but Schwartz ruins that by saying well, Ariana will be with the guys anyway. Stassi shakes her head and Katie gets miffed. Schwartz true to mend it with Katie, nope. 

It’s the night of James’ big DJ debut, and the childish conspiracy to ruin it is in full swing. Jax is there ( he has “interior motives”) as well as Scheana, Ellie, Kentucky, etc. I almost don’t even want to see this. James starts rapping (not gifts-dammit) and nothing gets by Scheana and her alien head-“he’s performing! Legit performing!” I find it painfully ironic that “Good As Gold” Scheana would call someone else’s performance a car wreck. I might tweet that.

Sandoval sees Kristin and Carter come in and he knows that’s a bad sign. Then comes the girlfight confrontation between GG and Raquel. It’s somewhat harmless but juvenile til James comes over. GG hands him clothes that he supposedly let her borrow after their slumber party. Hands start flying, Sandoval intervenes on James’ behalf-in the meantime the 3 stooges (Carter, Jax and Kristin) are watching this happen with the same intensity as if they were witnessing the birth of a unicorn. Pitiful.

James confronts the 3 stooges. Jax tosses a drink at James who throws a glass at Jax, who then lunges for James who may or may not have run. Kristin is yelling “nononono!” like this isn’t what she came for.

James is outside and starts taking everything out on Sandoval. James then leaves but not without his Gucci jacket.

Sandoval confronts Jax asking wtf. Annoying, stupid Kristin with the “having so and so’s back” but I can’t take her so I tune her out. Jax’s excuse is first that James tried to kick him in the shin, then he says “well he antagonized me!” Sandoval makes the very valid point that these people came way far out of their way to start shit with James and he’s not down with it.

Next week: Jax and Sandoval raid LVP’s closet. Raquel questions James’ loyalty . Scheana has had it with the Stassi Posse. Katie is bridezilla again.
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Talk soon Lovelies!

-Allie