I know I’m not the official recapper, but I was literally screaming at my TV last night, and if my neighbors have to hear it, you have to read it.
First the easy stuff. Anfisa and Jorge are on a break. Either she threw him out (her story) or he left when it got heated and physical (his story). He also makes it very clear that Anfisa is violent, and she had bruises on her arm during one of her scene. It looks like he has moved in the Holiday Inn on the PCH in Newport Beach, only because I’ve stayed there ONCE. Good match. Um….predicted, and whatever.
Paola is dragging Russ all over Miami to meet her “modeling” people. He pushes her manager, and it turns out they have not performed any of the stuff they were supposed to when she PAID to be represented by them. It was actually funny….the rep said that Pao had been emailed access to the booking site, Pao said she got nothing, rep continues to insist she did….then checks….nope. The idiots decide to continue to work with this other idiot. I suppose they’ve already paid for TWENTY NINE year old Pao to START a US modeling career – where the median age for models is like 12…so whatever. And BTW, all this bitching about Russ losing his job….didn’t he technically QUIT because he couldn’t get the wedding day off? Again, a whole big bag of whatever.
Danielle and Mohammed…..yeah, still a shit show. Normal sized whatever package.
I don’t have much to say about Alexi and Loren. I still like them. His parents can migrate once Alexi gets his US Citizenship. BUT, his brother will be waitlisted for up to 18 years. WHAT? Why doesn’t he get a student visa and just overstay like everyone else? I’d make a joke about the San Antonio thing, but it’s too soon even for me. Tiny little thimble of whatever.
OK…..Chanfuckingtel, what an incredily stupid entitled, vapid, self-centered, nacissist she is. And now watching her family’s actions in DR, I completely understand how monsters are created. First of all, do some fucking research. YES, it is far cheaper to purchase things in the US, and YES, people from every fucking country in the fucking world bring all kinds of electronics home when they visit. What is NOT acceptable, is insisting your husband shop at FLEA MARKETS for gifts. Would Princess Chantel deign to use/wear anything she purchased from a Flea Market? How about her mommy? Would she Christmas shop for her extremely entitled family at one? Do you know who shops at Flea Markets? Danielle! That’s right you put your mother in law in the same box as crazy as fuck Danielle. BITCH, please. She’s all bitter as shit that he sends money home. Clearly Chanfuckintel never ventured out of the resort zones of the DR. It’s a poor country, and he’s the male of the family, it is, in fact, his CULTURE to do it. It’s expected. And rent is cheaper in the DR than in downfuckingtown Atlanta.
Not for nothing, but YOU (Chanfuckingtel) told us he works 2 jobs, you’re still a student. He’s the one with an actual college degree and he’s working as a dishwasher and in a warehouse. He’s earning money, keeping you housed, you have a new car, and YOU INSISTED ON A FUCKING DIAMOND RING, and you’re bitching that he sends money home?!?! And let’s talk about the credit thing from 2 episodes ago. You’re complaining that he doesn’t have credit? Seriously?!?!? He’s been here for just over a year, and was only recently able to start working those TWO JOBS, and you get alllllllll pouty about you having to use your credit to buy the ring that you’re insisting on?!?! But back to the big trip to the DR. His family is all pissy about not getting the TV (which is in fact bigger than hers), but I understand…he promised the TV and didn’t deliver it. I think they realised that it was bugging the shit out of her family which is why they kept it up. Not a good look, but considering how the Chantel family treats Pedro, I’m letting it slide. On the other hand, the brillance of serving chicken feet to her family is exceptionally snarky. Of course Mommatel can’t even think about eating at Mommaro’s (see what I’m doing here?). And BTW Daddytel, why the fuck are you wearing a brown corduroy BLAZER over a T-shirt? UGH. Now with the families in the new apartment, Mommatel gets all enlightened about the money being sent home, and the whole fuckingtel family is convinced that Pedro is using her for money….you know, when he’s working those TWO jobs. Fuckingtel family refuses to eat, accuses Mommaro of trying to voodoo hexes (isn’t that a Haiti thing? I didn’t know voodoo was big in the DR) and poisoning the food. Then Mommatel keeps bringing up the fact that Mommaro called them crazy, stupid Americans (which they kinda are). Context alert: Mommaro was calling them that because of the PreNup thing, not an “I hate her” thing. “Context”, fuckingtel family, it’s important. She was offended and insulted that you had disrespected her son by basically accusing him of marrying Chanfuckingtel for money….you know, all that money college student’s have, especially 2fucking6 year old college students. You know, like the reason he works TWO jobs. Then they very ungracefully leave. Next up they all pile into a van for the 5 hour trip to Pedro’s grandmother, who he is stupid exicted to see and have them meet her. The families all pretend to make up and play nice. (Side note: I had no idea the DR was that big). She basically lives in a shack. She’s cooking in an open couldron over a fire in the front yard. There are a bunch of people, and a couple of dogs around. Pedro jumps out to hug his grandmother who he hasn’t seen since he moved to the US to marry the crazy bitch. The ENTIRE fuckingtel family, including Chanfuckingtel, refuses to leave the van because of “this place is in despair”, “wild dogs” and “this is where the militia is”. I cannot make this stuff up. Clearly the fuckingtel family also doesn’t wander far from Atlanta either, because there are people living in America in the same exact state of poverty. You know, a farm, in the back country. Chanfuckingtel starts bitching, you know, to the family still locked in the van refusing to even get out to meet his grandmother, about the fact that she lives in “her kitchen” or as I call it in her “student studio apartment”. And the fugly mop-headed brother starts in with that Pedro is going to drain 26 year old student Chanfuckingtel’s money and go back to the farm in despair. And he’s using her to make money in the US. I can’t even with the cultural ignorance of these people….they are every single ugly American stereotype and extra, extra of it. Pedro tries to get them out of the car, but Mommatel just keeps telling him they’ll talk at the hotel. He is literally begging them to get out. He has to go back to the family and explain that they won’t get out. They all work themselves into a entitled tizzy and Chanfuckingtel finally exits the van. She immediately goes to the grandmother to introduce herself and apologise…just kidding, of COURSE she doesn’t do anything remotely having to do with graciousness and manners. She just got out to drag Pedro into the house to start a fight. She’s keeps saying she deserves a bigger apartment….he keeps trying to explain that rent is cheaper in DR. Of course she doesn’t get it, because she fundamentally thinks she’s better than him and everyone else. He tells her she has a new car and doesn’t really work, because she’s a 26 year old student. Pedro needs to understand that she CLEARLY married him, for him to work 2 jobs, get her a better apartment while she works on her 10+ year college plan. And for a girl who acts like she only speaks a bit of Spanish and doesn’t really know it, and doesn’t really understand it…she suddenly flips the switch and boy can she fight in Spanish. And in front of his entire famiy, you know, the ones that only speak Spanish. The fuckingtel family then say they think Pedro is being brainwashed (again, I cannot make this shit up) TAKES THE VAN AND LEAVES. You know, the van his family came in with them? Yeah, that van. We leave the happy couple with his family getting ready to go all kinds of Dominican. I can only hope. Let’s remember her family doesn’t trust him because of HER LIES. She made him lie, he didn’t want to. And Sistero don’t you call my country “Gringoland”, and please, please, please go all extra Dominican!!!!! And there’s my giantic box of whatever.