Sorry, guys, for taking way too long to write this. I wasn’t in the headspace, and it was just overwhelming. But all is well, back to normal, and here we go.
When I left off last, I was hanging with a different crowd-they were all really image conscious, selfies galore, and that wasn’t me. I had no identity as a woman, or even as an attractive female because I was so immersed in motherhood. It was my children 24/7/365. Everything I had, time, money, emotion, energy went to my children. I hadn’t even bought myself an item of clothing in probably 5 years at that point. So when I started spending time with this crew, I gained a little more self awareness. Definitely not more self esteem, there’s a difference.
So that’s when I was introduced to cocaine. It was 2008, I was at my friend “R”‘s house. She confessed she had a little side habit and offered me some. I had NEVER used it-I don’t think I’d ever even seen it. But I had been drinking, I think she got a kick out of popping my nose cherry, and did it. I’d always been terrified of hard drugs. I’m not sure to this day why I did, other than the fact I was in the midst of an identity crisis and vulnerable. I didn’t even like it. But kept doing it.
Eventually I was buying it on my own (my best friend at the time, her husband had been dealing it the whole time unbeknownst to me, and he was my connection) and it’s amazing who you find out is into what when you venture behind that curtain. Within that group of friends, there was a little subgroup of coke heads that no one knew about or even suspected. I became a part of that.
Eventually I got found out by the non coke heads, and my good friend “R” let me take the hit, acted horrified that I was doing that, and joined in saying what a mess I was and banishing me from this group. I was stupid and didn’t expose her, felt it wasn’t worth it and my credibility was shot anyway. But that whole little subgroup slithered away and acted like they weren’t involved and didn’t know me.
During this time, I was introduced to this guy named “R” who became my new connection and eventually my boyfriend. He pursued and pursued and pursued me relentlessly even though, come to find out, he had a girlfriend of 10 years. He somehow managed to convince me they were broken up, and I went out with him a few times. More on him later-he becomes an important player.
Let me be clear-I never had drugs in the house with my children nor did I use it with them home. I was still making shitty choices, I’m under no illusion that what I was doing was ok. My drug use wasn’t all the time, maybe a few times a month? But my prescription drug abuse was out of control. I was prescribed Fioricet with codeine, I’d get a 2 week supply that was gone in 3 or 4 days.
So. September 2008. I had a friend who had a roommate that was looking for drugs. Did I know anyone? Why yes, yes I did. So I gave out the number, they made their arrangements-he was going to drop it off with me, could I bring it to her? My kids were at their fathers, I wasn’t doing anything so I figured I could drop it off and visit with my friend. I met him outside, and walked to her house.
When I got there, something was not right. The roommate was outside with 2 men I didn’t recognize, and told me she was getting it for them. This isn’t right. Something is wrong. I told her to go inside and I’ll give it to her and then I’m getting the fuck out of there. We go up to the bathroom, I hand it to her, as I’m walking out, these 2 men bust thru the bathroom door saying they want to see because they’d been “burned”. Oh no, I’m out, something is not cool. I don’t know who these creeps are but I want no part of this-I’m just the middle man and never should have agreed to this. They’re blocking the door. She hands them their drugs-they ask me if it’s any good-I shrug my shoulders and say I have no idea, I don’t do this, was just doing a favor, and I’ve got to go. One of them wants my phone number-for what? I ask-I told you I’m just doing a favor, this isn’t my thing. The roommate recites my phone number. I say “Trish-I said no” but it’s too late. These guys are way too hyper and overexcited. I finally get out of there-never again, and wtf WAS that.
A few days later, my phone rings and it’s one of the clowns from the other night. He tells me how great the stuff was, and can I bring him more? He’s right down the street, and he can wait. I tell him no-and ask him what part of I don’t do this are you not getting? And hang up. This idiot continues to call for 2 weeks and leave messages asking me to sell him drugs. I finally block his number.
Fast forward to March 2009. I’m doing laundry, just dropped the kids at school, a knock at the door. It’s 2 police officers with a warrant for my arrest. FOR WHAT?!?!? There’s a good cop and a bad cop. The bad cop tells me to think about something bad I’ve done and that’s what it’s for. Seriously? I finally learn my charges are possession and sale of cocaine. What?!? I am racking my brain-when did I ever sell drugs?!? Wait a minute. I’m spending the night in jail. My babies. My babies. My babies. Oh my god.
Turns out, the roommate thought her disgusting boyfriend liked me. So her revenge was to call the police, set up an undercover transaction, wear a wire, and ruin my life because of jealousy. Those 2 creeps were undercover officers. Not very good ones. That one night started a huge snowball effect of despair, homelessness, shame, loss, fear, spiraling into worse addiction, pain, heartbreak, and the darkest time of my life.
And that was the first day of the end of my life.
Part 5 coming soon.
Talk soon Lovelies