Hey guys! Pip here. I am going to cover this one for Allie tonight. I just made my Xanax smoothie and I am ready to rumble. Shall we get started?
Their tag lines this season:
- Dorinda: “I tell it like it is, but I always make it nice”.
- Ramona: “I am an acquired taste. If you don’t like me, acquire some taste”.
- Sonja: “There’s nothing grey about my garden”. (WTF?)
- Carole: “In the politics of friendship, I win the popular vote”.
- LuAnn: “The only title I trade Countess for… is wife”.
- Tinsley: “A good set of lashes can fix anything. Even a mugshot”.
- Bethenny: “If you’re gonna take a shot at this B… you better not miss”.
We open with regular shots of each women doing their daily things. DID SONJA JUST PUT HER DILDOS IN THE DISHWASHER?? COME ON!!!
Fredrik Eklund (from Million Dollar Listing, NY) is coming to meet Bethenny at her office. They have been friends for years. Bethenny’s divorce settlement is signed and she has gotten her Tribeca apartment back. She is planning to sell, and Fredrik will be her agent. They are talking about staging and now the price of the sale. Bethenny thinks Fredrik is asking too low at $6,750,000. She thinks it will sell for $6,995,000. She feels with the great amenities, private parking, and a good school district it’s worth more than what he wants to ask for.
LuAnn and Dorinda are meeting up at the park. LuAnn is on a diet to fit into her wedding dress. She has been very busy wedding planning and expects about 250 guests. Dorinda is the only Housewife who is invited. (Gee, that isn’t going to cause any trouble). LuAnn doesn’t trust that there won’t be drama if the others show up. They are discussing Sonja and how Sonja has made statements like “No man will come between LuAnn and I” and also things like “I will be here for you when the marriage doesn’t work out”. Ummm… yeah. I wouldn’t invite her either. They flash back to reunion drama last year. Dorinda hopes that as a group they can get past it, but as far as Sonja goes, she just doesn’t know. Sonja is apparently starting a lot of shit. Talking to the press about Dorinda’s finances, relationship, and how she is a horrible person to have set up LuAnn with a philandering Tom. This was only a month previous to filming. Dorinda thinks it is because Sonja is still resentful of the night in the Berkshires when she did not invite her. Apparently Sonja is doing some kind of off Broadway sex play? No one has seen it.
Sonja spent the summer in the south of France with her daughter. When she came back to NY she was asked to do an off broadway play. Okay, I have NO idea what this play is, but it is apparently sexual and bawdy and everything we would expect from Sonja. I still don’t get it.
Back to Lu and Dorinda walking in the park. Apparently Ramona called Tom’s ex-girlfriend in California in the middle of the night digging for information. LuAnn confirmed this. LuAnn texted Ramona ten days ago and said “If you know something that I don’t… if you are my friend, then you need to call me”. No response. Tom and his ex are friends. Dorinda doesn’t believe in Ex’s being friends. She says she is old school Italian and once it’s over, it’s over.
Ramona’s contractor is named Mario. Not to be confused with Mario. (I need emojis on my computer)! Ramona is doing a remodel. WOW! Ramona wants to replace her cabinet doors and he says it will actually be cheaper to just remodel the whole kitchen. That makes NO SENSE, yet Ramona is thrilled with it. I have oceanfront property for sale in Arizona, maybe I should call her. She has no boyfriend, and is digging her freedom to do as she pleases. She asks Mario2 if he has a friend he could set her up with. Not married, in their 50’s, older kids, and someone who doesn’t work. I am sure Mario2 is very pleased with this. He says he has some people in mind. She is so fricking weird!
Bethenny and Fredrik are checking out the staging at her old pad. Jason kinda trashed the place (according to her- it didn’t really look any different to me). After the staging, it’s gorgeous. It looks very, very different. Very expensive and sleek. They are squabbling about the price and Fredrik finally agrees to $6,995,000. Fredrik said that is a huge record to break according to the comps and figures of this building, and Bethenny says “I’ve broken records before and it won’t be the last time”. They shake on it. Bethenny is relieved and thrilled to be selling this apartment so she can be done with it.
Carole and Dorinda are hanging out at Carole’s. Carole is looking forward to seeing her providing she isn’t angry with her about anything. Carole has two new kittens she is fostering. Sounds like a trial basis, providing the kittens get along with the dog. Dorinda was in the Berkshires all summer, she said it was nice and quiet. Adam has moved into Carole’s, but she says they are just shacking up and not living together. She says that “living together” implies further goals and long term. “Shacking up” means it is more for the time being. Dorinda thinks Carole is in denial about this. They talk about their connection in London when Carole went to pick up Anthony’s ashes. They discuss their similarities and how much BS happened last year. Flashback to the reunion when Dorinda called Carole a mean girl. Carole says I have never been a mean girl. Dorinda apologizes for the comment. Carole appreciates that Dorinda doesn’t dwell on things and is receptive to moving on and repairing the friendship. Dorinda felt a little lost within the group and that it seemed like there were different teams and they were on opposing sides. Subject changes to LuAnn’s bachelorette party in Miami this weekend. Carole did not know about it. Dorinda isn’t going. She said she is 51 years old and doesn’t want to see a male stripper. Dorinda says “There is just nothing sexy about a policeman in a thong”. I AGREE! Male strippers = lame. Dorinda would rather put a thong on John and let him dance around. She says that would be more entertaining. She’s right! That would be hilarious in a Chris Farley sort of way!
Bethenny’s driver just dropped her off at Sonja’s. Her driver also got out of the car to escort her with an umbrella through the rain. Give me a break. Connor, Sonja’s new house boy, answered the door. Bethenny is now the partner and spokesperson for Dress for Success, and is raiding Sonja’s closet for anything to donate. She is very happy to be providing these women with hooker stilettos (HA! Good one, Bethenny)! Sonja is thinking about moving. She says a two bedroom with a nice balcony will be at least $3m. She can’t see herself staying there after her daughter is off to college. That is unless she does like LuAnn and “just moves from girlfriend to some guys apartment”. Sonja feels she is above this. Yeah, right… who you kiddin’ Sonja? She also thinks LuAnn is too Tom absorbed and when she saw LuAnn at her bridal shower, Sonja mentioned the play and LuAnn didn’t seem interested. Bethenny says Sonja should send LuAnn a fruit basket for “taking out the trash for her”. Sonja isn’t going to the wedding. She will be in Phuket. Bethenny isn’t going either. She told LuAnn that if it was a paid appearance she would go, and if she sponsored the bar, she would give her a discount. JUST WOW!!! Bethenny said “I uncovered him cheating, Ramona dated him, Sonja slept with him. It’s really Tom’s penis that is the reason no one is going to this wedding”.
LuAnn has a gorgeous balcony! I haven’t seen her pad with Tom, yet. Nice view! They are in the penthouse. LuAnn is on the phone with her wedding planners. They have the gift bags, band, etc. She reminisces about her first wedding when she went to the courthouse on the subway and got married in jeans. She wants a princess wedding this time. She is ready to give up the Countess title and is now ready to be Mrs. D’Agostino.
Back to Sonja’s as she cleans out her closet. Bethenny is cracking up at some of Sonja’s relics. Most of these clothes are really inappropriate for Dress for Success, but sweet gesture on Sonja’s part, for sure.
Bethenny’s dog Cookie is 16 years old (that is an OLD dog!), so Bryn wanted a puppy. Bethenny rescued two. They are super cute. I don’t think Cookie is digging the puppies. Bethenny just got a cash offer on her apartment… he got her the $6995 she wanted. IN ONE DAY! Fredrik is a damn good realtor! Bethenny is losing her mind and I don’t blame her.
Dorinda is now somewhere? I am not sure where. Oh it’s Ramona’s house. Ramona shows up late because she had a lunch date before her lunch date with Dorinda. Ramona says she enjoyed spending time with John at the top of the St. James Hotel. Dorinda is thrilled. Flashback to John tossing her out of that party (WHICH SHE FUCKING DESERVED, BY THE WAY)! Ramona is nervous about seeing LuAnn tomorrow. She feels that last year when LuAnn and Carole were having problems, Ramona was her go-to gal. Ramona feels she was the one who was trying to keep the peace between everyone last year. OH RAMONA! Oh… well now we’re getting to the meat of this… Ramona is pissed she wasn’t invited to the bridal shower. Dorinda thinks LuAnn felt Bethenny and Ramona conspired together about the Tom making out thing in the hotel bar last year. Ramona asked LuAnn specifically “If anything else comes up about Tom, do you want to know about it”. Lu said “yes” Ramona discovered something new, LuAnn said okay, lets talk. LuAnn just sent a text and said “yep, I want to know”. Ramona thinks she really doesn’t want to know. Ramona says they like to have some “open time” with each other (I am pretty sure she means an open relationship). Ramona says Lu was just in Palm Beach and was hitting on a thirty year old. The guy was super taken aback and said he was married. Total hearsay by his mother who told her mother, and blah blah blah… it was such a stupid game of telephone I don’t buy it. Not saying LuAnn isn’t capable (we all know she is- or was), but I highly doubt that story based on the source. Dorinda dismisses it and says she doesn’t want to know. She says at this point with two months away the train has left the station, and to drop it. Ramona says she knows Lu will get hurt, because when he is away, he plays. What a gossip. Screw you, Ramona.
Carole is bringing Baby to Bethenny’s. Bethenny named her new puppies Biggy and Smallz. GREAT NAMES! Bethenny is celebrating the fact that the old apartment is sold. She is seriously happier than I have seen her in a long time. They give the puppies a donald trump stuffed toy to pee on. Carole is obsessed with the election (it’s “the old news journalist” in her). Bethenny tells Carole to chill on the tweets. She is super pro-hillary which is totally fine, but its all she can think and talk about. Bethenny calls her a shut-in cat lady who needs to get outside and see the light of day. They are completely talking over each other and Bethenny is literally trying to climb into one of her kitchen cabinets to escape the noise. Carole compares Donald Trump to LuAnn. “The bigger the lie, the more people believe it”.
LuAnn and Ramona are meeting up. LuAnn knows that Ramona has been calling Tom’s ex- girlfriends looking for dirt on him (seriously, can you imagine doing that)? I agree with Lu when she says Ramona needs to get her own life. If she had a guy or something going on, she wouldn’t think twice about what Lu is doing. Ramona is working out and watching her weight. LuAnn asks about Bethenny’s divorce which is now official. Here we go… “Why wasn’t I invited to your bridal shower”? LuAnn says that she knows Ramona has been playing Nancy Drew, calling some of Tom’s ex’s and being negative stirring things up. She tells Ramona that this really bothers her. Ramona says “well actually people have come to me and it doesn’t really matter, so I wasn’t going to say anything, because you don’t want to know. Or DO you want to know”? Ramona continues… “So if something happened in May, that someone told me about. Do you want to know that”? LuAnn: “That he saw his ex-girlfriend in California”? Lu shrugs her shoulders and rolls her eyes. Ramona says “I just want to understand why a girl who is still friends with Tom would go to the paper and say I’m still with Tom, we were kissing and he was calling me everyday and I could have done more with him if I had wanted to”? LuAnn says that never happened. Ramona insists she was quoted in the paper saying this. LuAnn says that people say whatever the hell they want and make up all kinds of shit in the press. Ramona questions what her motivation would be to lie and Lu says that is a good question. Privately, Ramona tells us that she would never be happy with a man like that. She needs more from her man. She is nervous that Lu is putting her head in the sand. She then tells LuAnn, “Bottom line, I am happy you are happy and you can turn a blind eye to the other girl”. JESUS!! LuAnn interupts her and says “I AM happy and I am a strong woman”. Ramona says “I don’t think you’re that strong” and LuAnn says “if you don’t think I am strong than you don’t know me at all”. Ramona says “I don’t understand why you can’t take in what people tell you. Why can’t you just say “Ya know what Ramona, yeah he kissed this girl, so he did a few things… only while we were engaged, silly. I want to be married, we’re soulmates, and he can do what he wants on the side. I don’t care. I’d rather you just be honest and say that”. LuAnn explains AGAIN that this is not an open relationship. (I WISH she would have just said “mind your fucking business”). Ramona says “I am going to give you a bit of advice, you can take it or not. Advise your husband-to-be that it’s a really small city. If he is doing things that aren’t good, I’m telling you, you better reel it in, because it’s gonna hit you in the face, and I don’t want to be there to pick you up. I do NOT want to be there to pick you up. Now I do not want to talk about this anymore. I want to toast to your marriage. I hope you don’t fall on your face with him. I only want what is best for you”. I mean.. is she for fucking real?? LuAnn scoffs, handles it well, and we cut to Ramona in her talking head saying “She knows what the truth is, and who am I to judge? Who am I to tell her what to do”? THAT statement right there is Ramona defined. Immediately after judging and telling LuAnn what to do, she explains to us that she would never judge LuAnn or tell her what to do.
Thank God it’s over! I am exhausted. These women don’t shut up.