RHOBH: Diamonds under Pressure

Hello, Lovelies!

 

I know Allie was hoping to do this recap herself, but sometimes real life gets in the way.  Here’s hoping all is well with her.  I’m RI Red, and I will be your guest recapper tonight.  Welcome to the season finale of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills:  Diamonds under Pressure!

 

In recapping this Diamonds and Rose party, it seems only fitting that I raise a lovely glass of Vanderpump Rose to toast the end of season 7 and the reveal of LVP’s newest wine.  Unfortunately, I was not able to find it in my local wine shop and will have to make do with a red solo cup of my very fancy box-o-wine.  Yes, Kim Zolciak taught me how to drink and I taught her how to cuss!

 

Oh, how I wish I was going to this party instead of just watching it on tv!   LVP’s property looks magical with the huge white tent,  chandeliers, the beautiful flowers, white lights and my little ponies decked out in pink ribbons, sparkles and glitter.  I can hardly wait to see what Giggy and crew are wearing!  LVP looks resplendent in a sparkly gown and a wreath of pretty pink flowers on her head.   Pandora on the other hand, borrowed a dress from her mom’s closet and her bubbies are on display for all to see.  Don’t make any sudden moves, Pandy!

 

First to show up to the soiree are Rinna and Eileen.  Eileen’s dress?  Meh.  I don’t think she ever has a fashion hit.   Rinna’s dress looks incredible on her…I am giving her best dressed for tonight.  But she seems a little….tipsy perhaps?  Do you think she was pre-gaming?  Maybe made herself a little Xanax smoothie to settle her nerves before going into the lion’s den?  Either way, she’s tottering and its Eileen’s job is to help her walk in.

 

Dorit is on the sidelines speaking with PK and LVP as Eileen and Rinna walk in.  Ok, before we go any further, I have to speak about Dorit’s hair.  Actually, there really aren’t any words for it.  It reminds me of the bathing caps we wore when we were all kids.  But the back of it just looked greasy to me.  IDK—I’m no fashion plate, but really?  That’s a thing?  I would have laughed at Rinna’s  joke about the goose, but I’m very mad with her this season, so I’m not going to.  I’m also going to make fun of her lips because, well, just because they’re too much.  Get it—too much?   There are two talking heads of her tonight.  Dressed in red, it seems like she’s had a few, in the other one she seems fine.  Have there been two talking heads all season and I’m just noticing now?  Or did production edit this in?  God, if I put my wine cup down once in a while, I might remember.  LVP greets Eileen with a hug and it almost seems like, yes,  Eileen is finally softening towards her.  I’m glad. 

 

Eden comes in with an entourage and is wearing a Cinderella dress.  I’ve never warmed up to Eden.  I tried, but just…nope.  Those long awkward hugs and kumbaya moments do not ring true to me.  I’m sure she means well, but she is very out of her element on this show.  I think I recall reading somewhere that she was only doing this as a vehicle to get a show of her own.  And who looks like that and needs to meet someone online?  That’s just odd.   Camille joins the party and she always looks fabulous.  I hope she gets a diamond next year.  I miss Camille—her second season, definitely not her first.

 

Next comes Mauricio, with Kyle on one arm and Erika on the other.  The invite requested they all wear pink.  Kyle complied with a pink lace jumpsuit and pink feathery wrap but Erika’s pink is a bom-diggedy wig that her glam squad put together, and I have to admit…I’m crushing on her a little bit.  Listen, I get what everyone means when they say she’s cold….but she’s always so cool and put together.  She looks like she never breaks a sweat, while I’m the one with a rip in my pantyhose, an untucked shirt that’s missing a button and spinach between my teeth.  I always wanted to be like Erika!  Sigh….maybe someday!   Her dress is black with lots of rhinestones.  Conventional, she is not.  Oh, and let’s not miss Kevin Lee wearing a suit covered in….is that red roses? Yikes!

 

Here comes Kim in hot pink looking great and sober.  God, I hope it’s true.  I would hate for Kim to be another sad statistic of addiction.  Hopefully with her new grandbaby, she has a new lease on life. 

 

Rinna questions Eden about her speaking of her supposed pill problem.   Eileen and Rinna are trying to school her on speaking out and ‘telling her truth’.   I’m almost as tired of that saying as I was with ‘my journey’. 

 

LVP brings out some caviar treats, but only she, Erika and Eileen have a bite.   Dinner conversation was yummy—the vagina monologues.  Rinna’s small birth canal and –again—Erica’s pussy.  Because we can never talk about that too much!

 

Production puts together an awkward meeting of Dorit and Kim to discuss the raw treatment Dorit is getting.  It seems like only a few minutes have gone by and LVP is whispering in Kim’s ear, goading her to start in on Rinna.  She doesn’t need much prodding.  Kim tells her she’s been hearing some not so good stories about her.  Rinna runs back to the table to let her crew know what was going on.  It must be because I said that about PK, Rinna decides.

 

Eileen calls Kyle over to have a conversation with her and Rinna about what Kim said.  As Eileen is asking Kyle why what Rinna said to Dorit had anything to do with her, I’m thinking why does what Kim said have anything to do with Eileen?  

 

Now  LVP is in Dorit’s ear.  Dorit decides to go discuss the situation with Rinna.  While Dorit remains calm,  Rinna seems a bit uncomfortable and confrontational. Rinna jokes that she just observes what she sees. LVP points out that she doesn’t think she does and Rinna starts in with it’s so easy to call me names.  Dorit tells her (THE best line of the night)  “If I can smell your breath, you’re too close”!  You’re a nutter! .  Rinna deflects and goes back in on how disgusting Dorit treated Erika for 4 months.   Kim feels she has been a victim of Rinna’s, as has Yolanda, Brandi, LVP, and now Dorit. 

 

Now Erika chimes in and asks if someone picked on you, Dorit, would you warm up to them?  Dorit says she would–Erika claims she is inauthentic and that she can’t read social cues.  Again, she says Dorit never apologized.  They show Dorit apologizing to her in Hong Kong.  Erika doesn’t remember it.  Do they all suffer from amnesia on this show?  I love how Dorit speaks up for herself against these women.  Now PK’s watching from the sidelines and he’s not having anyone pick on his woman!  After a bit, he brings Dorit a water and Erika brings up her pussy….again!  PK asks her at what point is it over?  She claims to have been nothing but nice to Dorit, and they were never nice to her.  He says she is delusional but then  e calls her honey…big mistake.  It’s so condecending.   Eileen is having nothing to do with him!  Her Vincent would never do that.   That’s because he’s not leaving the poker table, Eileen!

 

Dorit apologizes again.  Now Erika is ok with it.  All she needed was an apology.  She would have loved to have heard that weeks ago.  I wish you listened weeks ago, Erika, so we could all be on to something else!

 

Eden decides this is a great time to confront Rinna on her behavior toward her.  Another big mistake.  Rinna is bored. Eden says she is never present for her—then Rinna tells her the moment she went to Vanderpump, she was done.  Eden screams at her rudeness.  Rinna laughs at her.  Her talking head says “wow—look who finally found her words”  What an ass, I think of Rinna.  Eden is truly upset and is scrambling one last time to take next years diamond away from Dorit.  Epic fail!   Cinderella runs off because it’s almost midnight and she’s going to turn into a pumpkin.    Rinna is laughing at her.    LVP catches Eden on the way out and fills her in.  LVP jokes that Yeah!  Eden likes her more than Rinna! 

 

And that, my friends, concludes season 7.  Tune in next week for the reunion, part 1.  LVP and Rinna are seated next to Andy.  Who didn’t see that coming?