Don’t Let the Zip Code Fool Ya
It’s time once again for the “Real Housewives of Etiquette”… sorry, Potomac. Oh man, I wonder if I have it in me to stick with the season. Oh who am I kidding, of course I will. So… here we go. The Season two premiere of “The Real Housewives of Potomac” respectfully submitted by Baseball and Books, aka B&B.
*Note: Bear with me, I totally took ideas from Allie and No Life (especially the commercial break comments, though mine are not as entertaining.) I’ve also read this a bunch of times, but it’s 11:30pm here in California, and past my bedtime, so if there are typos, I’m sorry and if you point them out, I will fix them.
Let’s start with the taglines:
Gizelle – “Word on the street is… I’m STILL the word on the street.” Is it just me or does that make her sound like a prostitute?
Karen – “Potomac put me on a pedestal and the view is spectacular.” Oh Lord… the self-proclaimed “queen of Potomac” is ready to start preaching etiquette to everyone
Robyn – “Don’t let the green eyes fool you, I’m as real as they come.” I can’t really say anything snarky about Robyn because out of all of them, she was my favorite last year. I hope that doesn’t change.
Charrisse – “Why cry over spilled milk when you can laugh over champagne.” I like this. Charrisse had a rough year last year. Her husband was MIA… he didn’t even bother to come to her birthday party. Seems she’s made the best of it though.
Ashley – “I’ve played by Potomac rules, it’s time to play by my own.” Ugh, I really don’t like her. She’s annoying and her husband is super creepy.
After a quick 30 second opening for each housewife, we soon see Gizelle at “The Club” with her “Glam Squad” which is in no way as fabulous as Erika Jayne’s and is pretty much her hairdresser. She gossips with her stylist about men and talks about her new man “Kevin,” whom she’s known for a long time. She seems to think that because he’s short, he might have a larger package. I’m not sure that’s how it works, but okay.
Side note: in Gizelle’s talking head, she’s wearing a monstrosity of a choker. If I wore something like that, I’d be nicknamed “no neck.” Also, I am not a fan of her pink lipstick.
At Charrisse’s house, her daughter is on a hover board. It amazes me that people call those hover boards. They aren’t hovering over anything! To me, they look like the axel and wheels of a Lego car. And trust me, I’ve stepped on enough of them to know. Charrisse is taking selfies and says her eyebrows are on fleek. What the hell does that even mean?? She admits in her talking head that she was unhappy last year. She also looks like she’s falling out of her dress. Her boobs are mashed down and barely covered. I’m a large chested gal and I would NEVER think of wearing a dress like that. Oooh flashbacks to last season. Aaand, she’s popping out of her dress. Oh Jesus, she’s talking about Sha Sha and all of a sudden, we’re flashing back to her 50th birthday party and her rap performance.
Gizelle is throwing shade at Ashley talking about how last year she (Gizelle) participated in a dance charity contest, didn’t win, but gets to judge it this year. Oh and guess who is participating this year? Yup, Ashley. Apparently, Gizelle also is not pleased that Charrisse is coming because at the reunion she thinks Charrisse called her a whore and is mad at her. Hey Gizelle… check your tag line. Flash back to Gizelle’s appearance on WWHL when she outed Eddie for having a girlfriend and Charrisse for having a fireman boyfriend. And she wonders why Charrisse is angry with her?
Oh Lord, Charrisse is rapping again. And rapping about her friends. Specifically Gizelle. Another talking head, another terrible dress. Pink with what looks like clips holding it closed. Man… don’t take a deep breath, Charrisse. The necklace is kind of cute, though. I’ll give her that.
Wow, the back and forth between Gizelle and Charrisse is shady. How are these women friends? Gizelle states in her talking head that she doesn’t get caught up on gossip and rumors and drama. Pot meet kettle. That’s exactly what you are doing. Oh, this is ridiculous.
Commercial and potty break, and like No Life, I’m gonna check on April the Giraffe… nope. No baby, yet, but her tail is up and making room. Oh my God! THE LIVESTREAM IS OFFLINE! WHAT DO I DO??? SOMEONE HELP ME!
And we’re back with Ashley at a dance studio. She’s practicing her routine and in her
talking head, doing some seated version of twerking, but it really just looks like she’s having a seizure of some sort. Also, she’s wearing gold lame shirt. Or are those a whole bunch of tiny sequins? Either way, it’s very 80s club wear. Also, I had an aunt who, in her 80s, wore gold lame everything, and she was wonderful and fabulous. RIP, Auntie Elsie.
She’s talking about how the Australian restaurant has been open for eight months and is not doing well. She’s gone through a few GMs, bartenders, and cooks, and says she would rather have her period every day than deal with what goes on at the restaurant. She must not have a heavy period because if that were me, I’d be dead. Also, EW. Apparently, her husband Michael has invested a lot of money into it and it’s a strain on their marriage. Close the damn thing.
Back to practice. She’s competing in the Manifest Your Destiny dance competition (see Gizelle’s shade above). She’s awful! She can’t even roll her hips right. Ohhh, shade towards Gizelle. She found a YouTube video. Gizelle wasn’t that good… I’ll at least give her that.
Ohhh, moving from Potomac to Hanover to Robyn’s new house. It’s a duplex condo. No judgment. You’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do. Duplexes can be nice. Her kids are super cute as they sit at the counter doing homework. Robyn’s talking head outfit is cute. It’s simple and age-appropriate. She’s not hanging out all over or busting out. I actually want to see the rest of the dress because I’d probably wear that. We have the same opinion on her kids. Haha! She talks to the kids about school and then flashes back to when she talks about losing their money and why they had to move. I actually really like her relationship with Juan. Sure, it’s unconventional, they are divorced, but are maintaining the family. They clearly love each other, and Juan wants to be married again, but apparently Robyn doesn’t want to be.
While Juan plays a videogame, they discuss the Gizelle/Charriesse issue and Juan gives the best advice – STAY. OUT. OF. IT. They continue their discussion about the design of the house and their bedroom. I love Robyn, but girl, your lipstick is MUY TERRIBLE!!
Oh… another commercial. Let’s see if April’s live feed is back up! Oh wait. Commercial preview of Chris Evans’ new movie. OMG, I would watch that man watch paint dry. Would it be wrong to order the Captain America sheets I saw on Target.com for my bed? BTW, April still hasn’t had the baby and the live feed is still off.
Annnd, we’re back. This time with Karen. She and her husband “Dr. Black Bill Gates” are
looking for a new house and discussing if they want a pool or not. Holy crap, their current house has nine, yes NINE, bathrooms. What would I do with nine bathrooms? Have one for every day of the week and everyone else in the house can share the other two. But Karen says she won’t live anywhere except Potomac. Oh Lord, she’s won’t even back out of a garage and down a driveway. She needs a circular driveway. She’s barely walked in to the house and she’s already displeased. She makes a comment about how her chandelier would reach the floor, the kitchen is too small and “she doesn’t do tiny…” as she points to her enhanced chest area. She hates there’s a bathroom in the dining room. The master bedroom is as big as her closet. There’s a back deck that she hates. The realtors look annoyed. I’d hate to work for her.
Back to Charrisse as she purges her closet. Some of those clothes are hideous. Why do some rich people have such horrible taste? She tries on some horrible red gown with matching dyed shoes. It’s from the Mother-of-the-Bride has no taste collection. And probably cost more than I make in a month. Oh, now they are gossiping about Gizelle and the cease and desist letter she had her lawyer send her. Moving on to Eddie, she admits he wants a divorce, and that he’s staying in Jersey. She seems to not really care. She’s new and improved and besides, Eddie needs a job so he can fill up her closet again. Because she’s purging the old. And he has to provide the new.
Commercial. OMG, there’s still 27 minutes of this shit show left. Note to self… watch the 6pm feed.
Back to Ashley and her failing restaurant. She should really take some lessons on how to run a restaurant from LVP. She and the chef are unveiling new items on the menu and doing a tasting with Michael. It’s becoming more of a fusion of American and Australian because people don’t want to eat Emu or Kangaroo. Uhh, no thanks. My daring taste buds went as far as rattlesnake, and even then, it had to be fried and dipped in ranch. Michael is not happy. He doesn’t like the food; he doesn’t like the prices, and says they should be charging $60 for the piece of meat he’s eating. Ashley’s like “eh, no biggie.” Michael brings up the deal they made about having a baby if the restaurant breaks even. It also seems like he doesn’t like her charity “work.”
Back to the Dixon townhouse. Gizelle shows up and starts passively-aggressively judging her lifestyle by saying how cute and nice everything is. When they sit down, they start talking about Charrisse and as soon as Robyn mentions Charriesse, Gizelle’s eyes pop out of her head. Robyn calls her out about the fireman boyfriend and Gizelle doesn’t seem to care. Robyn has since learned not to trust her with secrets. They talk about the event the next night. God, I hope there are fireworks, because this is pretty boring.
17 minutes to go and I’m watching a commercial for Disney’s new Nature movie about China. There are pandas. Can I have one as a pet? Unrelated… I’m hungry. I’m out of hummus, but I still have pita chips. I really hate when that happens.
We come back to the Manifest Your Destiny Event. Ashley is getting ready. I think she thinks she’s doing Dancing with the Stars. At the bar, the ladies are arriving. Robyn has a pretty pink dress on. Karen asks about Charrisse and as she walks in and up to the ladies, Gizelle says Cherrisse has “stank face” and tries to make a quick exit using the excuse that she has to go judge. As she leaves, Charrisse turns and tells her they need to have a talk and Gizelle blows her off by saying “later.”
The show begins and it turns out that Hill Harper, best known for his roles in CSI:NY, Covert Affairs, and Homeland, is the founder. I kind of love him. But I do get him mixed up with Michael Ealy, the dude with the bright blue eyes that was in season two of Secrets and Lies. Anyway, back to the ladies’ table, where Robyn tells Charrisse that she and Gizelle need to talk. Charrisse is defensive and unapologetic. The show begins and the dancers begin. The performances are okay, and at one point, Gizelle gives the performers a 9.5. Oh, but what’s this?? Here comes Ashley, with her tiny outfit and her big hair. She’s shaking everything all over the place. Gizelle, in her talking head, says Ashley asked if her dance instructor was straight and Gizelle finishes the sentence by shoving a chip in her mouth. Hahahaha!
Time for the scores. The judges give her high marks… 9.5 and a 10. And then it’s Gizelle’s turn. There’s a little suspense, but she finally gives her a 10, as well. Good marks for someone who basically humped on a stage. Ashley is shocked that Gizelle gave her such a high score. Michael seems pleased and tells her that he’s proud of her. Hill Harper announces the winners and Ashley takes home the mirror ball. God, I hope DWTS doesn’t recruit her for next season.
OMG, Karen is saying nice things about Ashley. The girls are in Ashley’s dressing room congratulating her and here comes Gizelle. Dear God, please let the fireworks start between her and Charrisse. There’s only about three minutes to go. Gizelle blows off Charrisse, but Charrisse isn’t having it and they got outside to talk. And so it begins. Only to be interrupted by a commercial.
FINALLY!! THE LIVE FEED IS BACK. She’s laying down and looking very uncomfortable.
As we reconvene in the alley with Charrisse and Gizelle, Gizelle mentions the C&D. Charriesse is hot and not having it. Charrisse just called Gizelle crazy and Gizelle walks away. Charrisse goes back to the dressing room and talks shit about Gizelle as Gizelle walks away.
Next time we are introduced to the new FOH or full time cast member. I already don’t like her. Ashley talks about her and Michael having a baby… and then my DVR cut off.