The Prison Diaries Part 2

I should probably give some background so you can see how far a fall from grace it really was, how a nice girl like me ended up in a life like that.

I was adopted by my parents at 5 months old. I had foster parents for those first 5 months, and a completely different name. My beginning was rough- but I don’t remember it obviously. I suppose it could be said that early lack of bonding and abandonment might have been a factor in later life, but I dont necessarily buy that.

When I was 2 my parents had a biological daughter. They divorced when I was 5, and we moved to a very suburban town about 30 miles from Hartford, CT. Our father didn’t disappear after the divorce- he remained very active and present in our lives until his death in 1994. It was a fairly normal and uneventful childhood-there were a lot of kids in our neighborhood, we never went without anything, and it was relatively happy. Our mother was a nurse and worked full-time so we were the original Latch-Key kids, but it wasn’t a detriment. When I was 6 my Mom began a relationship with the man who would eventually become my stepfather, who always treated my sister and I as his own, and remains married to my Mom to this day, together 40 years. Trust me, we butted heads as a teen but he and my Mom have always remained a constant. My father was a very damaged man-he did his best, but his best was often scary. He was a heavy, heavy drinker my whole life, and when drunk would get very angry, almost furious, and lash out at my sister and I on our weekends with him. He wasn’t a happy man, very anxious, probably clinically depressed, but he loved his daughters. Trying to get sober was never an option or even discussed. He was diagnosed with lung cancer in August 1994 and died within 4 weeks. I was 22, my sister was 20. Neither of us was equipped or ready for all of that, but our mother and stepfather were enormously supportive. For a divorced father though, he came to school functions, called during the week, and had us over every weekend, making sure that wherever he lived we had a bedroom. But, as I mentioned, he was deeply unhappy and we knew it.

I was an average student overall and absolutely did not fulfill my potential. I excelled in English, History- anything not math-related. I was in the first Talented and Gifted program (TAG) in our school district and always tested in the 99th percentile in standardized testing. My school performance spoke differently- I was bored, unmotivated, and my grades showed it. My sister was on the other end of the spectrum, she was “learning disabled” and often in remedial classes, but I think that was an inaccurate and crappy label. The expectations were vastly different for us and as a kid I resented that.

I was offered college after high school graduation but turned it down, I was so glad to be out of the confines of school no WAY was I going back-a decision I regret to this day. It was reckless, immature, and short- sighted but so was I at 17. When I was 15 years old we had moved to a larger home in a wealthier part of town but despite that I jumped at the chance to be on my own, and with a little string pulling from my stepfather I got hired at Aetna in Hartford at 18 and immediately moved out on my own.

Various roommates, apartments, and moves later I found myself in one of my first serious relationships, and it’s one that would stay with me until my late 30s on some level. I was on the verge of 20 ( I had dated him at 17 on and off but it was way more serious for me than for him- we went our separate ways and reconnected a year later).

My experience with drugs and alcohol was very minimal up to this point. I drank a handful of times in high school as smoked weed once or twice, but for the most part was terrified of drugs. My mother was a nurse specializing in addiction and recovery so the horror stories and warnings were so seared into my psyche, no way was I going to partake. Terrified.

My 20s were busy- broke up with M, started dating and living with T. 2 years into that relationship I got pregnant and at 6 months pregnant got married. I was 23. Too young. But we got married because that’s what you do when you’re having a baby, we thought. Our daughter was born in 1995, our son in 1997 (they are 17 months apart) and we separated when our son was 4 weeks old, divorced when he was 6 months, and T packed up and moved to the west coast. I had started dating L while separated from T, and it was not a good relationship. At all.

L was 8 years older than me with a checkered past and 2 children. He swooped in at a time that I was vulnerable- alone with 2 children under the age of 2- and sort of took over. He was helpful, great with the kids, attentive- but horribly jealous and possessive, and emotionally abusive. Those parts crept in slowly. I was 26. My divorce was final in November 1997, and the pressure to marry began almost immediately. I was working for American Airlines at this point (had been for 3 years) and had flight bennies galore, I succumbed to the marriage pressure in February 1998. We got married in Las Vegas, and on the flight into Vegas, the plane hit an air pocket, dropping 1500 feet- and I knew in that moment it was a sign-DONT DO IT. But of course I ignored it. The fact that throughout the entire 10 minute ceremony all I kept thinking was ” I can always just get divorced again” is pretty telling.

Before we got married, L had gotten injured at work- he fractured his scapula and dislocated his shoulder. Along with that injury came copious amounts of Vicodin. Again- I drank occasionally but that was IT. L had a far edgier past- prior cocaine habit, pills, etc. Cocaine scared the absolute shit out of me and it was a deal breaker for me if he used, so it wasn’t an issue. But pain pills, I mean, a dr gave them to you so that’s ok. When the kids were asleep we’d pop a few Vicodin and good times.

Fertile myrtle that I am, I discovered I was pregnant in April 1998, and had a son later that year. The first year things were “okay”. I was never over the moon happy. I was a social smoker but when I was pregnant I stopped smoking, I wouldn’t even consume caffeine or anything remotely questionable. I was fanatical about what I put into my body while pregnant.

As time went on, it showed that L was jealous, controlling, prone to tantrums, possessive- he was admittedly jealous of the attention I paid to the children, he felt he should get his needs met first. When our son was 6 months old I was desperately unhappy, L loved to involve the children in our arguments, picked fights at every family function, would try to engage my parents into taking sides- it was a nightmare. I was working 2 jobs but still wasn’t making enough to support 3 kids on my own. I felt trapped and miserable. Then, I discovered I was pregnant again. L was thrilled, because it insured that I wasn’t going anywhere.

Our son was born in 2000, marriage was floundering and having agonal breaths. I had started suffering from massive headaches in 2001, my doctor prescribed several different medications: Percocet (made the headaches worse) Darvocet (taken off the market later but worked til it didn’t) klonopin (knocked me OUT, not feasible with kids) and finally, Fioricet with codeine, which I took for 8 years. I followed up with neurology and was told that I basically just had to deal with them. They were debilitating, but with the medication I could function and not only function but had tons of energy. Win win, right?

I finally, FINALLY, convinced L to agree to a trial separation and he went to stay with his parents in Massachusetts. I said what I had to in order to get him to go- I’m not proud of it but I was desperate. I filed for divorce the next day and he was LIVID- but I could breathe again, and I was better off a single mother with 4 kids 5 and under than living in a constant state of frenzied stress, arguments, and explosive temper.

I had always kept in contact with M, the first real boyfriend? He had lived in various places around the country but we always stayed friends. In the months after L moved out we rekindled our relationship. It wasn’t a good scene-I regret the rekindling because it ruined the friendship, but we gained an amazing human being in our son. It was stupid 20-something shenanigans,he told me he’d broken up with his girlfriend but he actually hadn’t, (like I needed this drama after the ex husband filled my days with it). But in the grand scheme, big deal.
And to add shit icing to the crap cake, I found out I was pregnant again. Single mom of 4, not divorced yet, less than optimal situation to say the least.During all of this-I didn’t drink, wasn’t using drugs besides prescriptions as directed (during my pregnancy the codeine wasn’t prescribed). But it was one of the most painful, confusing, and sad times if my life. The baby didn’t ask to be here and deserved happiness around him, not dread and anger at his existence. Fortunately that didn’t last long.

That’s a lot, I know-but there is a point to all of this. I was a normal suburban mom with a minivan. Some drama, a few red flags, but average. Nothing different or special. Definitely not someone that would be in prison 5 years later. All of this leads to something, I promise, and I hope I haven’t bored you all. Yes, I’ve got 5 kids with 3 fathers. 2 were husbands, and one was a back and forth relationship spanning 20 years. I wasn’t picking up randoms in the bar and shacking up in the trailer. I don’t regret my children or the circumstances in which they came to be. And I’m not ashamed.

To be continued….

Talk soon, Lovelies

-Allie

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76 thoughts on “The Prison Diaries Part 2

  1. Wow. My heart was in my throat while reading that. You just can’t leave me hanging. Worried about what happened to the kids when you weren’t there. This is some cliffhanger

    Liked by 3 people

    • I was on the pill but not so great about taking it. With my 3rd, we had gone on a trip and our luggage got lost-I tripled up and thought I was good, even had what I thought was a period, took the pill every day and when I found out I was pregnant, it wasn’t my 1st missed period, 1 was almost 15 weeks. And with my last I was breastfeeding and hadn’t had a period yet. Probably should have used back up but I wasn’t planning on having sex, it is what it is. That’s why I had my tubes tied. Since I wasn’t very good about remembering.

      Liked by 4 people

      • I totally get that. I’m a PhD student, and every day my schedule is frantic and inconsistent. 3 months in I went to my gynecologist and said if I don’t get an IUD I’m going to get pregnant. I’m not even awake at the same hours on any given day. Also why the hell are women still the only ones on birth control? It’s 2017!

        Liked by 3 people

  2. Oh, Allie. You are such a good mom. Just hearing you talk about your kids one can tell how much you love them. Everyone has a past, and yours is just one story.

    My best friend has a similar start to his story. Also adopted, 9 kids with 5 different women… 3 of those wives. And while he didn’t go to prison, he also had a drug problem. This is a story I’ve heard before and you both have similar endings.

    I support you and am so glad you have decided to tell us your story.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thank you. My children are the best parts of me and the best thing I’ve ever done. I’m lucky to be their mother. It’s a common story, but if I can put mine out there, and someone sees something similar going on, maybe they can help before it gets as far as mine did.

      Liked by 6 people

  3. Allie you are a brave and strong lady thank you for sharing your story. Your love for you lil ones shines in your words. I as other have stated you sharing your story may help others. You are proof a persons history doesn’t always dictate future behavior!

    Liked by 5 people

  4. Oh Allie. What a whirlwind of emotions I felt as I read your words. You have a true gift- telling your story, in such an articulate manner, is not an easy feat.

    I can relate to parts of what you wrote. In particular, “popping a few vicodin at night”- that’s EXACTLY how my addiction began. It sounds insane to my 42 year old brain, now, but at the time I was fully comforted in the fact that I was taking pills prescribed by a doctor so they were safe. A win-win because they made me feel like a better version of myself. I would literally say: “Some people have a cocktail at night, we take a few pills”. Of course the few pills at night turned into pills round the clock. Having to set an alarm for 5am to take a handful just to be able to feel okay by the time my kids woke up to be a mom. The shame and icky pit in my stomach comes back just typing this. I’m so grateful I was spared from so much pain that you weren’t. I hate that you’ve lived through so much hurt. Thank you for being so brave and sharing with us. I hope this writing is cathartic for you. May you look back, re-read and see for yourself that you are amazing! We ALL have flaws, we all make mistakes, the sweet in life is taking a glimpse back, seeing how far we’ve come and appreciating even the tiniest bit of goodness. If not for every choice you made, you wouldn’t have those five darlings. There is positive in every situation. You’re making leaps and bounds even when you feel like you’re at a stand still. Don’t regret. Use your knowledge to inspire and enlighten others!

    Consider this a rough draft- perhaps later you can collect each part and write a book. You are so relatable on so many levels, so taleneted and so humble. Honestly, I can’t wait to keep reading.

    Liked by 9 people

    • Thank you so much-I write as if I’m speaking to the person reading? I guess that’s a good way to put it? I never thought I was ever really any good at it, so thank you. It’d be SO MUCH EASIER with a working laptop. I tap all of this out on my phone and it blows. Better than nothing though-perspective, Allie 😉

      Liked by 6 people

  5. Wow! Again,thank you for sharing this life story of yours Allie. I can SO relate! I’m sure all of your readers feel like me when I say “thank you ” for this post. Not only a cautionary tale but a release of sorts…looking forward to your next entry. Thank you for your ability to trust all of us with your truth. Lots of hugs 🤗, Maggie.

    Liked by 4 people

  6. Okay, nobody shoot me okay, pretty please…
    Oh dear me, Allie…I couldn’t help smiling when I read this. ..
    /Fertile myrtle that I am…/
    And now I am going to sound like YoLem and instead of asking “Vat does diz ‘goad’ mean?”,
    I want to ask what does ‘ flight bennies galore’ mean?
    Sorry I am not good in vernacular or hip kind of language.
    Me is loner & living in boondocks.

    Liked by 5 people

      • 😂 haha…at the drop of some drawers. ouch ouch my tummy hurts from too much laughing!! my mischievous mind has lots of comical images right now.
        i know what fertile myrtle is. 😉I just didn’t know what flight bennies meant. And no I didn’t think it was some drug😇. Thanks Incognito & Allie for teaching.

        Liked by 4 people

      • Lol! My mother-in-law recently said she was a “fertile myrtle” and that all my father in law had to do was take off his pants and she would get pregnant! She has 6 kids which include a set of twins. It’s so good to know there is a really happy ending to your story and tyvm for sharing. I also think you are a compelling writer and thinking you may have the makings of a memoir/book.

        Liked by 5 people

    • Don’t feel bad Juvial, when the bath salt epidemic first started to be reported, I honest to God thought they were talking about “Calgon” and stuff like that. I had no idea that bath salts was a kind of drug. I couldn’t understand who would think to smoke bath salts that you use to take a nice soak in, and thought well hell yeah that shit will mess you up. I had no clue.

      Liked by 6 people

      • Yeah me too. My neighbor started telling me few months about her son doing bath salts and she was crying buckets…for the life of me, I couldn’t understand why or how could bath salts do what they were doing. That ought to teach me to live under a coconut shell.🤕🤒🤐😴

        Liked by 2 people

      • Me Too! And I’m a recovering alcoholic/ drug addict in AA for the past 24 years-you’d think i’d be in the loop. I was felt the same way you did and I also had the image of “Calgon”. Lol!!
        Great minds….

        Liked by 3 people

      • Omg I too thought they were talking about something you actually put in your bath lmao !! I figured if u can huff paint and get high why not bath products 😂

        Liked by 3 people

      • Count me in. I thought “bath salts” were…um, bath salts, like most of you guys. So, “bath salts” is just the name of a drug that somebody mixes up? I’m super ignorant about drugs. I know pain pills, which I only used to control pain after surgeries, etc. and when they were gone, that was it, and I understand marijuana, which I have done. As far as I’m concerned, alcohol is one of the worst “drugs” out there having grown up with a severe alcoholic father. I think that’s why at some point I got sick and tired of Kim Richards tales of woe. Personally, I feel a lot sorrier for the victims of the “victim.”

        BTW, has anyone ever heard of the drug “flakka”? Somehow in my internet travels I ran into a video of people messed up on it, and HOLY SHIT! There is not enough money in the world to get me to take that shit. Oh, no no NO! These people look and act like zombies, and I watch The Walking Dead, and the whole thing freaks me out!

        Liked by 3 people

      • Who the hell wants to donavdrug that makes you freak out, attack, and chew ppls faces off? No thank you. People smoke dust around here (angel dust is making a comeback) or joints dipped in formaldehyde and lemme tell you, these people are BUGGED OUT. Again, no thank you.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I have seen those stories in the papers. What on earth could make a person want to do this? I am guessing addiction so badly that for them, anything is better than feeling “normal”. And don’t bath salts make people nuts and chew off others faces?
        When I worked at detox, we had a regular paint huffer/ alcoholic. The police would bring him in and his entire mouth region was coated in white. He would barely be able to speak. I saw so many fricking awful things there. Addiction is a monster.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Huffing is horrrrrible. And the smell that comes off of huffers-yi yi yi. Bath salts aren’t really bath salts, just packaged that way to get past the Feds. If they slap “not for human consumption” on the packaging they get away with more. You can buy them in gas stations, head shops-you’ve probably seen them on the counter by the register and thought nothing of it. Someone figured out you could snort/eat/smoke/inject them and a new drug is born. Who the heck tests that crap out anyway to see if it’ll get you high? No thanks.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Oh my gosh, it’s horrific! These drugs seem to give people supernatural strength too…they are a nightmare in broad daylight. So scary.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I think a lot of people would be amazed at what goes on behind closed doors, even with the PTA super soccer – cheerleading – pancake breakfast volunteering mom’s out there. Not all addicts are picking sores off their face and drooling on themselves.
    You should feel no shame, it can and does happen to good people.

    Liked by 8 people

    • Oh Get Out! You should be watching Big Little Lies! (HBO should fucking pay me for pimping this show- I have mentioned it all over the place). Seriously though, all about these Mom’s who appear so put together. So perfect. And these women are secretly barely holding on.
      No one is perfect. Notta one of us! 😏

      Liked by 6 people

      • Pip sorry about my input/reply under the last 60 Days in!!! Call me crazy but I just realized I’d not even watched Thursday’s episode!!! Good grief did I have dream about 60 Days & think it was real???!!!! Now that’s some scary stuff!!! I’ve been having trouble falling and staying alseep at night so I took bendryl a few nights so maybe that was my crazy dream and I thought it was 60 Days??? Maybe I saw 60 Days preview while I was drifting off??!!!! Yikes now I’ve let my crazy all out in the open and none of you kind folks ever said “what the hell is she talking about”??!!!! So sorry to highjack you great recap!!!

        Liked by 2 people

      • I thought your post made perfect sense and was in sync with the show! So it’s hilarious that you never watched it! No worries, mbluna!!!

        Liked by 3 people

      • Omg absolutely love that show! The soundtrack is amazing and I love all the actors and actresses!! I never read the novel the show is based on but love the author !

        Liked by 2 people

      • Chanaloulou- I KNOW!!!! I am so obsessed with this show. I mean, I love almost EVERYTHING on HBO, but this show, man… it may truly be my favorite series they have made. The actors, the cinematography (the scenes, the ocean, the homes, gorgeous). And the music they chose to accompany the scenes are PERFECT!!! Plus those kids… excellent actors and adorable little people!
        I get so excited when I find someone who is also watching this! (Can you tell??). 😂
        Reddit has a great sub thread about this show with lots of comments and perspectives. Also, a lot of “who dunnit” theories. Make sure you go to the TV – no spoilers, though if you do check it out. They also have a book readers thread and that does have spoilers. I avoid spoilers at all costs. I will be reading this book though when the series is done. Can’t believe there is only one episode left! 😕

        Liked by 1 person

      • It’s taken every ounce of strength I have to avoid the spoilers. I really hate spoilers, but man- it’s been very tempting. Last episode is Sunday. But I’m definitely downloading the book as soon as it is finished.

        Liked by 2 people

  8. Wow! Allie… so fascinating! This reads like a great book… So interesting. I await the next chapter!

    You are an inspiration! HUGS FOR SHARING!! This is helping people!

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Allie, you truly are an amazing strong and determined person. You went thru all this, while maintaining a full time job…is ..I cannot comprehend all that. No words.
    All that abuse, raising the kids in such a loving manner, maintaining a home and also having a job. What supernatural feat. Tremendous Mental emotional and physical strength. I would have given up long long time ago.

    Liked by 6 people

  10. You write really well, Allie. This really does read like a book. And yes, a total cliffhanger.
    I appreciate you sharing your story. Truly. I think you are brave and inspiring. ❤

    Liked by 4 people

  11. Allie, OMG. HOW can you be just a handful of years younger than I?? You look like you’re in your late 20’s or early 30’s MAX. Wow! You look good. I’d never have guess your age!

    Liked by 4 people

    • Spyder: I agree with on that!! I’m 5 years older than Allie but dang she looks like late 20’s!!! You go girl keep rocking it!!!! I’m feeling as if I look even older as I’m getting rid of my blonde highlights to allow my gray to SHINE through. I have a short spikey hair cut and my last appt I told my hair person I didn’t think I needed highlights this cut as I’d been getting every 4 weeks along with my cut for years. She very kindly let me know what I was seeing as “blonde” truly was my grays!!!! Yikes well then ok why I am paying for blonde highlights when my gray/white/silver or whatever color looks pretty much the same??? I’m about due for another cut and I’m on the fence about highlights as NO ONE including my husband has noticed the change, other than I got a cut. Makes me wonder is bc it’s so bad they are afraid to mention it or it looked so before and it’s better now so they are fearful of mentioning it??? Oops there I’ve let my crazy out twice in the same comment section, sorry folks!! Allie you look so youthful, such a beautiful person inside and out!!!!! Hope everyone has a great week!!!!

      Liked by 4 people

  12. Wow Allie, this was really well written. I have been in emotionally abusive relationships where the partner didn’t contribute at all, and I felt like I was drowning, and I don’t have children to take care of. I can only imagine. It sounds so stressful, and lonely. I’m glad that you got out. On another note, it is clear that you really love your children. I’ve always wanted to have 5 kids, but I’ve chosen a path that requires me to put it off for another 6-8 years. I’m at an age where if I do wait that long it might never happen. Children are a blessing, and it’s evident you are a wonderful person with great values. I bet your kids are dope.

    Liked by 5 people

  13. What a story, you’re a really gifted writer Allie. I’m a recovering alcoholic/drug addict. I’ve lived with shame and guilt for many years..
    It’s a hard won process but I’ve learned that shame is a useless emotion and the biggest gift we can give ourselves is forgiveness. The next gift we give to others- by extending a hand to another woman who is is suffering and in pain and by example, show her a way out. In sharing your story, (especially to so many) you are doing exactly that.
    As I was reading, I was thinking how the The promises in AA say, “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it”.
    Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 6 people

    • Thank you so incredibly much for those words. I remember years ago I couldn’t get the words “I am an addict” out of my mouth, even though I knew I was-and the shame and guilt will get you every time. I thought if I punished myself hard enough for my mistakes it wouldn’t hurt so much when others did. And boy, did they. But I just knew I deserved it, so didn’t protest.

      Like

  14. Allie I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been to have five such young kids and be so young yourself !

    Your story is very compelling and I thank you for sharing it – you really are a gifted writer

    I know you said you were adopted and I wonder if addiction ran in your family history – I do think there can be a genetic predisposition to addiction

    When I read the part of your story where you said that you had no headaches and tons of energy I was seriously thinking wow that pill sounds amazing – I can see how anyone would become “attracted” to this pill including myself

    My mom told me a story recently – years ago in the early 60’s she wanted to lose weight and went to a doctor a neighbor lady recommended who perscribed magic pills
    She got her prescription and loved it! She lost weight and had tons of energy to chase my bother and myself . The next month she went in for a refill and he told her that would be the last month he would write it for her as she was thin enough. She told me she was very upset with that news and came home after getting it filled and called the office and said while washing dishes she knocked the bottle over and spilled them down the sink. The doctor said he would call in the refill but that was it – absolutely no more and did she understand – no more .

    She told me she could see very easily how people get addicted . She took the rest but had decided in mind that would be it at the end of summer she was done and she was .

    She said she was so sad for it to b over – she missed all the energy

    My mom is almost 80 and it took her all these years to share that story with me

    Liked by 7 people

    • Wow-that’s a very typical story though, especially from back then. I did the best I could, I can honestly say that. Parts of it might not have been good enough, but I can only do better. Thank you ❤

      Like

  15. Allie…Unfortunately, your story is all too common. I can already deduce that a man was a catalyst for your incarceration like probably 90% of female inmates. Nothing to see here, move along! However, it is the stuff of Lifetime Movies and would make for a terrific script. Interested? Let me know.

    Liked by 4 people

  16. Thanks , I’ve recently been looking for information about this subject for ages and yours is the greatest I’ve discovered till now. But, what about the bottom line? Are you sure about the source?

    Liked by 1 person

  17. So, you’ve verified your source? How about your bottom line? 😀

    I truly adore stories of redemption. I’ve been curious about yours since you were first outed and am very proud of your bravery to share your journey. (Yeah, I know Yolanda has killed that word for most of us but it fits…). I have nothing but admiration for anyone who allows their mess to be their message. Mazel tov!

    Liked by 2 people

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