The wedding planner is planning the rehearsal dinner with Schwartz and Katie, which will be Taco Tuesday. Katie says she’s really calm because, weed. Schwartz has some fireball bonding time with him mom.
Jax is all flustered because the triplets missed the flight and he can’t think of anything more worse. Jax is too dumb to be alive. It’s a miracle, really. He’s ranting and raving about the triplets trip costing him more money.
In the kitchen of the brides cabin, the gang is all toasting Schwartz-minus Scheana and Shay who are off by themselves. Shay is wicked anti-social and Scheana says his behavior has been “off”. She’s excited about all of the upcoming wedding festivities, but he’s acting like he’s about to have a novacaine-free root canal.
Tubing!! On a river!! Lots of colorful tubes! The river looks cold, but Stassi says this is the best group activity they’ve ever done. Scheana doesn’t want the water to “dingy” her diamond, but water doesn’t “dingy” your diamond-know what does? Your husband hating his life. Everyone is having fun and getting along. But then a bug has the audacity to go near Stassi, who freaks out because she doesn’t want diseases. Uh-you dated Jax. Too late.
Sandoval finally landed and is here! Ariana is so happy to see him. He apologizes for being late and says he had to rent an SUV because of the copious amounts of alcohol he has brought. As the rest drift down river, Jax, Ariana and Sandoval discuss the triplets missing their flights. They’re annoyed but the triplets will be in at 6:05 that evening. Schwartz is oblivious, drifting down the river on a pink flamingo.
Ken and LVP check out the ceremony area-LVP loves it. She needs to talk to Schwartz and Katie to find out exactly what they want her to say during the ceremony. Katie doesn’t want it too drawn out, but not too rushed either. Ken asks Schwartz if he’s got his vows ready-mmmkinda. LVP practices her speech and Katie tears up, she says LVP has been supportive of their relationship the whole time and what LVP has picked is perfect.
Kristen, Stassi and the rest of the bridal party wander through the forest for the rehearsal. Kentucky starts rambling about how she’s had her wedding planned since junior high and there’s a castle back home she wants with lots of red roses in “wintery” time with white trees. Better find a groom, honey.
The spot is really pretty and woodsy. Schwartz’s mom wants more fireball though. The wedding planner is directing everyone where to stand, walk, etc and Kristen in all of her 30 year old maturity wants us to know the ONLY reason she’s not standing next to Katie is because she would have had to walk with Sandoval and she doesn’t want his cooties. Jax hopes he doesn’t have to stand too long because he’s got bad knees. Must be left over from his old life in Florida.
Sandoval is reminiscing about the good ole days when the guys were roommates and the first time Schwartz brought Katie home. They had plastered the inside of his door with porn. Good times.
Taco Tuesday rehearsal dinner time! We see Katie’s brother who looks just like Katie with a beard. Jax is getting Schwartz’s mom drunk and says he’s got a crush on her. Stassi says the last 7 years they’ve spent together as friends has been so great (as they flashback to all the fights they’ve had) and she has REALLY injected herself into this whole thing. Including the honeymoon. Schwartz gives his mom a beautiful rose gold diamond ring.
Of course Stassi’s mom is there (she’s looking different. Older? Maybe because her hair is up?) She makes the mistake of asking her daughter how many dates she goes on before she gives up the goods, and Stassi responds with a WAY TMI story, totally cringe-worthy.
The triplets have arrived!! Bert, Billy, and Brandon! They look nothing like Schwartz and everything like each other, duh, triplets. I guess they dont know how to dress so Sandoval put together outfits for them while they’re in town.
Sandoval and Jax pull Schwartz aside to give them his wedding gift. His brothers walk out one by one to surprise him. He cries, Sandoval cries, Jax cries-kind of a nice moment actually. Schwartz is grateful, touched, and impressed that his friends arranged for his brothers to be there. Jax says his mission was to get Schwartz to cry and mission accomplished.
LVP has a heart to heart with Stassi (as much as you can with the levels of heart involved) and LVP tells Stassi she had high hopes for her but Stassi walked away and gave up. Stassi admits she made mistakes but feels validated by LVP. It’s an awkward exchange.
Katie is hanging with her dad and they show a flashback picture of Katie in 1998 and she looks the same. Apparently her parents haven’t seen each other for 4 years, and they haven’t all been together for 5 years. Katie says that her parents stopped being partners in life, and seeing that she feels she can avoid that mistake with Schwartz.
Now it’s Scheana’s turn with LVP, who doesn’t want to hit the piñata because to her it’s animal abuse. LVP asks Scheana how she and Shay are and Scheana gives the phoniest “amaaaaayyyzing” ever. She says he’s totally sober and his music is also “amaaaayyyzingk”, he’s in a good place, the “spark” is even back. LVP doesn’t buy it for a second.
At the dinner, Katie is the first to take a swing at the piñata and Jax uses Lala as motivation for her to hit it hard, she breaks it. LVP sits Katie down to talk and Katie reveals she still hasn’t finished writing her vows. But she will tonite. Schwartz joins them and LVP gives them a marriage pep talk. Schwartz thanks LVP again for officiating.
Wedding Day! Stassi greets Katie in the kitchen at breakfast-Stassi feels like this is so unreal.
The groomsmen are going fishing, Jax says if it was him getting married he wouldn’t be fishing, he’d be playing golf or Russian Roulette.
Schwartz is finishing his vows last minute.
LVP has to iron her own dress and Ken thinks it’s awesome so films her.
The bridal party is getting hair and makeup done. Stassi has to give a speech but she’s just going to wing it. Kentucky remarks at how calm Katie is-Katie asks “what is there to freak out about?” Girl bye. Katie has heard the day flies by but she’s going to try to relax and enjoy it. Kristen is implanting herself firmly in Katie’s rectum and vows to be at her beck and call. Katie has vows to write, y’all.
Jax makes sure the 3Bs have showered and makes them swear to God that they have. Am I missing something with these guys? Why do they need so much supervision and hand holding? Jax seems to have appointed himself the 3Bs wrangler.
In wrangling the 3Bs Jax is becoming a nag. He’s on hygiene patrol, Schwartz bathed in the river. Luckily for everyone Sandoval brought a shit ton of extra clothes and accessories because it seems like everyone forgot something.
LVP arrived in a limo looking floaty and ethereal. She’s practicing her officiating, and is impressed with the venue and setup, but the podium needs fabric. Schwartz is in a room alone finishing his vows and is distracted by a bee.
Katie’s bouquet is finished, some wood from the property was used for the handle. It’s not flowers though, it’s all jeweled brooches (it appears). Different. I like it.
Katie is putting her $15,000 Zuhair Murad wedding gown on but it’s too tight, and some of the boning that was added is digging into her skin. Some girls try to fix it.
Ariana did her own hair and it looks fantastic. Schwartz is wearing a shiny suit. Everything has come together.
The bridesmaids hoo ha ha are sitting in a circle anxiously awaiting Katies emergence from the other room in her dress. Stassi is going to explode. Katie comes out and looks all bridal-of course it’s bringing back memories for Scheana.
At the ceremony site LVP got her fabric draping for the podium, and people are arriving down the path and taking their seats. Schwartz calls his Dad right before the ceremony and gets a father/son pep talk. Katie has a cluster of bridesmaids at her feet because dirt got into the hem of her dress, so they’re cleaning it out.
Ariana is rocking that suit. Katie’s makeup looks really good, so does her hair. I don’t love the dress. It’s just not for me. Katie is standing with her dad getting ready to walk down the aisle, and dad is in tears. Schwartz is trying not to cry-the procession starts.
Next week season finale: wedding! Reception! LVP brings up new business endeavor to Schwartz and Sandoval. Schean and Shay stop the charade.
Talk soon Lovelies!