Vanderpump Rules recap: Regrets Only

It’s a busy night at SUR, and LVP checks in with Jax and Sandoval to see how the NOLA trip was and to marvel that no one got arrested. Jax and Sandoval show her pics from the drag party and she’s impressed by Sandoval’s female side. LVP asks if Schwartz and Katie had a good time,and Jax is all too eager to report that no, they fought 85% of the time. LVP decides she’s going to need to therapy Katie.

Scheana is at the SUR bar talking to Ariana, who is mixing drinks with a smile. Scheana complains how her hair hates her because NOLA ruined it. Ariana catches the lure for compliments that Scheana cast out and tells her no, your hair looks sooooo good! Neither one can believe how much fighting the happy couple did. Scheana says she can’t imagine fighting that much with Shay 2 weeks before the wedding. How about 2 years after? Ariana thinks that bottling up their problems to deal with after the wedding is a huge mistake.

LVP sees Katie at SUR and wants to give her some projects to do before the  annual SUR photo shoot. This years theme?  Indulgence. LVP questions Katie about all the fighting on the NOLA trip and Katie blames Schwartz for everything. LVP calls her out on not taking any of the blame and asks her what they’re REALLY fighting about. She doesn’t have much hope for the future Mr and Mrs Schwartz at this point.

Stassi and Kristen eat lunch with their dogs. Apparently Kristin’s dog is a therapy dog. Crickets. She sent in a fee and got the certificate. Kristin is helping Stassi make an online dating profile at OKCupid. Stassi included in her profile that she likes murder, ghosts and aliens. How can this fail?

Katie and Schwartz stop by Villa Rosa. Schwartz doesn’t trust the swans. They all go and sit in one of LVP’s many sitting rooms, and she asks the couple what they still have left to do for wedding prep. Katie says they just have one more thing-then there’s a knock at the door. LVP goes to the door to find a guy dressed as an English butler reading some sort of proclamation which is actually Schwartz and Katie asking a LVP to officiate their ceremony. LVP looks unimpressed. She comes back into the sitting room and tells them she really didn’t expect this-but she’s concerned because of all the petty fighting. She says she takes marriage very seriously (Schwartz pipes up with “we do too”) and she’s too concerned with their behavior to accept. Katie cries and says she’s disappointed in herself and Schwartz and her as a couple-LVP gets weepy too but stands her ground.

It’s a beach day! The whole crew is in it for a day of drinking in the sun-Kristin catches Scheana already taking selfies. Stassi apparently had a date the night before and Scheana asks her how it was. She said they made out all night so I guess it went well. She’s got another date with a different one tonite. Stassi asks how the LVP thing went, Schwartz says she declined to officiate their wedding and everyone gasps in shock-Katie says this is rock bottom. If this is your rock bottom, Katie, you’re doing ok.  Sandoval says he’s glad that LVP had the balls to say what everyone was thinking.

Katie and Schwartz go off on their own-Schwartz is trying to be mushy but ew. Katie finds a Dorito crumb in the corner of his mouth. They are such an awkward couple.

LVP and Ariana are horseback riding-of course LVP has a bedazzled halter for her horse. They go riding-LVP asks Ariana how things are going, Ariana tells LVP that she thinks Katie is gaining some perspective but LVP says they’ve got a ways to go. She asks Ariana if marriage is on the horizon and Ariana says no way because babies are gross.

Stassi comes over to Kristin’s apartment to get ready for the blind date that her friend Lauren set her up on. She isn’t sure what to wear because she’d need spanx with her LBD. Kristin suggests she go commando and Stassi reacts with horror at that notion. Kristin asks if she has a “kit” ready-you know, Adderall (!), Plan B, and condoms. Stassi says she won’t need condoms. 

Sandoval has ordered spray tans for all of the guys at Jax’s apartment. Peter and Schwartz (along with Sandoval) all opt for the fake bake but Jax declines. Jax asks them to be careful with the tanner because his couch was $5000. He got ripped off. They wonder who is going to “ordain” Schwartz’s wedding if LVP won’t, Schwartz knows he wouldn’t want Jax to “ordain” it because that would be like “lucifer baptizing you”.

Stassi meets her blind date, David for dinner. Her ponytail is REALLY messy. They both order wine and do the usual blind date chitter chatter. Stassi asks him what he does for work, he’s a techie and gets up for work at 7am. She’s shocked and tells him sleep is really important, in fact sleep is why she’s so pretty. His next question is how long has she been single. We feel ya, David. How many times in this episode is she going to say “murder”? I know she thinks it’s hilariously cute-but no. David is way too nice for Stassi. 

Tom brings in props for the SUR shoot, while he and Katie talk about the shoot the food delivery guy comes to the door (notice the “Friends” frame ripoff on the door). Schwartz brings up Vegas again and Katie tells him to just leave it in the past. Thank God. He’s going to do the shoot, and says that in a few days they’ve fixed things. 4 years of things, I guess.

It’s the day of the photo shoot-it’s Kentucky’s first and she’s excited. Ariana is over it. LVP is wearing a bump-it again. There’s a lot of setting up-lots of hair and makeup being done. The girls are the first to have their photos done. Next will be the guys in the lounge.

Stassi and Kristin meet for lunch to talk about Stassi’s date. Scheana sends Kristin a picture of the fake roasted pig that she is NOT ok with, even though it’s fake. Stassi says her date was nice but she needs more of a man. Plus she’s too wrapped up in Katie’s wedding to date.

Back at the photo shoot, the guys are doing their part. Katie pulls Scheana aside to ask her how rehearsals and speeches work because she’s never been in a wedding. Scheana takes the opportunity to tell Katie she misses the “individual closeness” they used to have. Scheana is crying and wants to be included. Katie  reassures her that she’s important. They hug and love each other. Back to the shoot, LVP has Ariana and Sandoval naked on a table. Everyone is peeking at Ariana’s butt.

Schwartz and Katie get their pics done-Schwartz is looming over Katie’s shoulder in most of them and they’re uncomfortable looking.

Jax and Kentucky are doing their usual bickering-I can’t with them. They sound ridiculous and it’s unbearable. LVP sets up a group shot, Schwartz is again looming over Katie’s shoulder.

Schwartz and Katie are going to PUMP to have a sit down with LVP. LVP asks them if anything has changed in their relationship and they say yes. Schwartz pushes LVP for an answer-yes! She will officiate!

Next week: Lala returns. Stassi poses in see thru clothes. James meets the parents. Jax and Sandoval plot. Wedding festivities begin.

Talk soon, Lovelies

-Allie

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9 thoughts on “Vanderpump Rules recap: Regrets Only

  1. The Lucifer baptizing you comment was hilarious!

    I hate Stassi. She’s such a vapid bitch. I honestly thought she was a bit rude to the blind date guy. Her facial expressions where horrible. Also, that guy should have run fast when she said that she thinks that the fact that she sleeps a lot is why she’s pretty.

    I hate people (like Kristin) who take advantage of the service dog benefits. Technically, we could take one of the dog’s (not Merlin) everywhere because she is a licensed service dog. However, we don’t because she’s not needed as a service dog anymore. It drives me batty when people do that. I also have issues with people like Stassi taking advantage of the medical marijuana cards. That doctor should be reported. Granted, maybe Stassi does need it for something that we aren’t aware of and the show is trying to bring it into the mainstream, but the way she flaunts it sickens me. I hate Stassi and Kristin so much.

    Can we talk about how gorgeous Ariana is? I think I have a girl crush. LOL She could do much better than Sandoval!

    I can’t wait for the return of LaLa. I hope Ariana rips her a new one, and that LVP makes her feel like crap.

    James is such a loser. LOL

    Liked by 5 people

    • I agree with you on the abuse of medical marijuana cards. It’s prevalent here too-I hear peopl boasting all the time how they get to carry scales w them and x amount of weed-if someone boasted like that about a pain pill rx? Good lord. Kristin is an asshole anyway-over 30, acts 15 and is a total alcoholic. Stassi is more and more disgusting every episode.

      Liked by 3 people

    • I’m with you, B & B. I think the reason the whole service animal certificate thing annoys me because it seems to be an excuse to bring your dog everywhere. I have a friend who does that with her chihuahua — we can’t even go into Wal Mart without the damn dog! I find it very entitled & pretentious for someone that doesn’t need a service animal to purchase a certificate just to drag their dog everywhere with them.

      Also, have you guys heard of Raya? It’s supposedly a “secret” dating site for famous people. Supposedly, Stassi, Nev (from Catfish), Kelly Osbourne and Moby all have profiles there. Members are selected by a secret committee according to their Instagram followings.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Does anyone really believe that any marriage coming from this show will last? What a bunch of airheads. These “kids” know nothing. Actually they are not kids anymore, if we are talking age. But I do watch /@^@/
    waaaaaa

    Liked by 1 person

  3. And I do believe that Stassi has taken center stage. Once again.
    Poor Sheanna. If it’s not about her then it’s not happening.
    The guys? Jax is a pig. I kind of like Peter but they keep him to a
    minimum.
    Now, I just have to watch FEUD. Tomorrow?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have to wonder how that got that man to agree to appear on tv w Stassi on a blind date . I did notice she did not ridicule him so that had to be a part of the negotiations

    I am shocked Jax has stayed w Kentucky especially in light of the fact that she seems to be gaining a small amount of weight – he is so superficial I always assumed he would only be with someone who was very fit and sort of the big boobs blond bombshell look – not the wholesome Kentucky look

    Lala to me is the prettiest one – I only hope she leaves her face alone and does not Botox it to death like so many others have.

    Ariana is also very pretty and I really like her this year

    Liked by 1 person

    • Weirdly, I think Kentucky is sort of a mother figure to Jax.
      His relationship with Stassi was passionate, volatile, full of fights and making up.
      I think he mostly just wants turkey sandwiches from Brittany.
      And she wants to be on Tee Vee.

      Liked by 3 people

      • I finally watched this episode and I agree with you.

        And women have to wear 3 pairs of spanks at the same time? What is up with that?

        I did get a good chuckle when Stassi was getting ready for her date because my cousin was going on her first date in years this past weekend and was going through the same thing Stassi was. And she wasn’t even going on a blind date. She’s known him for years from work. The angst is the same for everyone no matter what the situation is.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. These “kids” crack me up considering they are all into their 30’s and none of them act it!!! I think Stassi can be funny to a point but also mean as can. be. I had to rewind to be certain she said she knows she’s pretty bc of her sleep habits. Holy cow girl!!! Heck by this groups collective age we’d been married over 10 years, 2 kids, a new business as well all that crazy stuff life tosses you. I hope one they don’t wake up and wonder where their life went!! I get living with lil to no regret as that’s something I’ve tried to do my entire life. I get the no regrets what I don’t get is “no direction” this group lacks. That said I’d be telling a story if I didn’t find them pretty dang entertaining!!! Great recap!

    Like

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