The NOLA drunken arguing picks up where we left off last week-Ariana and Scheana are trying to tell Sandoval that the latest epiphany for Katie and Schwartz is: the root is Vegas. Sandoval calls drunken bullshit and asks “what about the shitty 4 years before?” Schwartz walks by mumbling that he’s done and can’t marry Katie.
Stassi is grilling Katie about the “real” issue with her relationship. It all makes sense to Stassi now-the Vegas epiphany- but since she and Katie weren’t really friends during all of that and Katie was working overtime to “protect” Schwartz, Stassi didn’t know any of this.
Sandoval is still yelling about poor Schwartz to Ariana and Scheana (who is probably in a lot of trouble w the Stassi Posse this morning. Last night she was hanging out with Lala (gasp!) and it’s all documented on Snapchat) and says that Schwartz only proposed because he was given an ultimatum, but Scheana gets super annoyed about that and disagrees. Sandoval tells her not to put her finger in his face (she didn’t-not even close) so Scheana and Ariana shoot each other a look of panicked confusion. Bravo then flashes back to the ultimatum scene. Sandoval is having a Chris Crocker “leave Britney alone” moment complete with running eye makeup-but its leave Schwartz alone, Sandoval’s neck is all splotchy and he’s punching/kicking doors. He kicks the door to Schwartz’s room open in time to call Schwartz a battered wife-“look at him!!” And we see a grinning, dress wearing, makeup running, sunglasses wearing Schwartz.
Katie is in her room having her ass kissed by the Stassi Posse and Jax (hello, person who started this whole thing) when Schwartz stumbles in, completely incoherent but somehow they understand him-he calls Kristin a few names and stumbles back out. Kristin is blaming Sandoval for Schwartz acting like that. I’m sure the copious amounts of alcohol have zero to do with it.
Stassi and Katie are in a big white bed, going over the cheating scandal again. There’s mumbling-I can’t decipher.
Jax corners Schwartz in the hallway and is pleading with him to just admit and apologize-which Schwartz says he’s already done, but Jax is like come on, apologize for everything, wink wink.
Schwartz goes back in to Katie’s room to try and apologize-she is not having it and kicks him out repeatedly but he doesn’t really listen-3rd wheel Stassi just won’t leave-Schwartz gives up with Katie and turns his ire towards Stassi, congratulating her on her choices of men-then stumbles out.
Back in Jax & Kentucky’s room, she asks Jax what happened in Vegas because she wasn’t around yet. He goes thru his version and says that Tom “basically” admitted to sleeping with the girl. Jax, man.
Hangovers are plentiful-Jax yells Schwartz awake, who is sleeping in the other room. A not-feeling-too-hot Schwartz meanders in, still wearing dress and sash.
Sandoval and Ariana are rising but not shining-he’s still got his Lee press on nails on, and jabs his eyes with contact solution.
Scheana and Shay are looking much better than the others (her blue glasses though. No.) and Shay asks about last night, he heard lots of yelling. Scheana, who seems to be constantly comparing her relationship with Schwartz and Katie’s-says she can’t imagine being in a place that bad. No?
At SUR there’s tree limb cutting and other construction looking stuff-a hostess asks LVP for a promotion to server and LVP says yes. Katie calls LVP and minimizes everything that’s gone on, LVP wonders if they invent things to fight about.
The gang is at the hotel pool-Sandoval has had t shirts made for everyone. Schwartz doesn’t know what happened or how they got to this place which is basically his worst case scenario come true. He says he should just pack up, leave, and start fresh. Run, Schwartzy, run.
The Stassi Posse is visiting Stassi’s childhood home, which her dad is selling, and we meet Gramma. Stassi relived some childhood memories and is sad it’s being sold.
Jax reminds Schwartz how he was questioning even marrying Katie the night before and encourages him to make up with her. Schwartz seems completely beaten down.
The Stassi Posse is swimming in Stassi’s childhood pool, fully clothed. Stassi says Tequila Katie is not true, that it’s Tequila Tom from now on. Katie’s silver lining in all of this is that now people see how Schwartz can be. That’s her silver lining?
At SUR LVP runs the hostess thru the server drill-hostess flops. Not today, hostess.
Schwartz goes to talk to Katie (I just noticed how often she whines) and he wants to know why they’re fighting. Katie keeps pushing him to admit the Vegas thing, but since he refuses to admit to something he didn’t do, she’s done talking. He wants her to drop the Vegas thing already, and reminds her she wasn’t so perfect herself. Katie then demands that he stop throwing her past mistakes in her face (Schwartz clearly doesn’t get the privilege of the same rules applying to Katie) but Schwartz just wants to have fun, Bubba. Fight resolved. For now.
Last night in NOLA so we see everyone in various stages of going-out prep. They hit a bar, Sandoval is wearing red plaid and it hurts. Katie is wearing the most unflattering frock I’ve seen her in yet. It’s bad. Schwartz decides he wants to play Spin The Bottle and it of course lands on Sandoval. It’s a long kiss. Stassi gets Peter and his big boy hair who gets Ariana who gets Jax and it goes on. For some reason everyone eggs Stassi and Peter to kiss again, it’s super awkward because he’s trying for tongue, she’s not having it.
Kristin is outside for a smoke when Sandoval joins her (big mistake) so she starts going in on him about the night before-we all know Kristin never misses a chance. He’s all-uhhh, I just came out to smoke. She says welcome to my swamp.
Kristin is still going at Sandoval because he trash talked her to Carter. She goes on and on and on about how often she cheated on Sandoval and what a whore she is. Was. Is. Sandoval tells her that Carter was annoying then apologizes for bringing up the past. She seems disappointed that the argument is over-he hugs her and she pretends she hates it.
Ken is serving LVP tea in bed-she’s thinking about opening a new restaurant with junior partners. Sandoval may be just the guy. I hope that happens-what a great opportunity.
Back in the VIP room, it’s the usual drunken shenanigans until a bed drops down from the wall and now the shenanigans are next level. Katie and Schwartz decide to put in a show-Jax is backup dancing-Schwartz gets off of Katie mid-show to declare he can’t find his penis.
Party goes back to the hotel room and Sandoval is rehashing the Kristin encounter for Jax. He says he feels like she was in an argument with herself. Katie draws on Schwartz’s face as revenge.
The morning after everyone is super hung over and trying to pack except for Scheana and Shay (as far as not being hung over). Shay is sharing his deep observations about marriage, Schwartz, making adjustments-while he’s trying to wax poetic Scheana is pretty much ignoring him.
Schwartz has scrubbed his face clean and raw of Katie’s revenge. They’ve decided no more fighting-they’ve got a wedding! Everything can just go under the carpet for now!
Next week: SUR photoshoot, Scheana feels left out, Stassi tries internet dating.
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Talk soon, Lovelies