Vanderpump Rules recap: Beads, Beers and Tears

Stassi is packing for NOLA, and Kristin walks in (ever notice that Kristin is always walking into other people’s apartments and usually without knocking?)-Stassi says she feels like this is her wedding (it’s not? I mean, she DID go on the honeymoon with them) because she’s so stressed out over making Katie’s bachelorette party perfect. Kristin says Stassi needs to be fun and flirty like the ugly blue ruffled shirt Stassi is holding up, but in a rare moment of insight, Stassi says she feels like she’s negative and abrasive. Ding ding ding. The big dilemma seems to be how not to think about Patrick. Stassi starts crying, again, because Patrick isn’t even a cheater. He’s just wishy washy. Great, now she’s depressed and “in her head”. NOLA is going to be SO COOL.

Ariana’s mom is visiting, and back at Sandoval and Ariana’s apartment, he blows a fuse while nuking coffee. Everyone is going to Scheana’s mom’s house later on-Sandoval is apprehensive because Katie was mean texting the night before, and she fought with Schwartz. Katie is a texting terrorist and needs a text intervention. She uses that as a WMD.

LVP shows up at PUMP, which is being prepped for The Daily Mail party. The DM asked James to DJ, so LVP reminds him of the no drinking policy. Ken reminds James this is a big opportunity for him, LVP warns him to not embarrass her and James assures her he won’t.

Scheana is setting up for the party in what seems to be a garage at her mom’s house. The house from the front has no windows. No thank you. Everyone seemingly shows up at the same time including Schwartz, and he’s wearing his muumuu. When he wears the muumuu, he says it’s a sign that he’s given up on life. That’s promising, since he’s getting married in a month and all. Schwartz tells Sandoval that Katie is still mad at him but he’s sweeping it under the rug. As usual.

Stassi and Katie float around in the pool, talking about why Katie is still mad at Schwartz. Katie blames Ariana for having an opinion and sticking up for herself (aka ruining the shower). Katie is massively blowing the entire thing out of proportion and her jealousy of Ariana is palpable. Of course, Stassi agrees because misery loves company. Katie asks what she has to do to get Schwartz to respect her. Stop. Being. A. Petty. Bitch.

Everyone is having a good time while Katie pouts in a corner. Stassi and Kentucky are discussing the Katie/Schwartz situation and Stassi wonders why Schwartz doesn’t just go apologize to Katie already. Schwartz? This is your life, dude. I am so sorry. They go over to Katie to see if they can help with anything, and Katie is just oozing pay-attention-to-me misery.

Kristin is “advising” Schwartz on Katie but he’s over it-he comments on her lack of insight and defensiveness-Kristin is horrified that he’d speak that way of his FIANCÉE. Schwartz doesn’t care! It’s true! Jax is worried because the NOLA trip is in a few days, and at the moment Schwartz and Katie can’t even look at each other. Schwartz, a defeated man if I’ve ever seen one, says it’s not that bad, he’s used to it. Scheana jumps in and gives Schwartz the worst advice ever, and that’s to just go over and force a kiss on Katie. He reluctantly goes over to Katie, who rebuffs him, and even Stassi tells Katie to drop it. After Katie orders Schwartz to make her feelings a priority, they make up.

At Jax and Kentucky’s apt, Jax is fighting with a suitcase that doesn’t want to come out of the closet. Ahem. Kentucky wants to pack too much, Jax isn’t having it.

Sandoval is packing ALL of his drag including his butt pads, which he models for Ariana who is grossed out.

Scheana and Shay are packing and having an incredibly boring conversation about the vast differences in pre-wuuuhhdin behavior between the Shays and Schwartz and Katie.

Schwartz and Katie are packing and glad they’re finally talking. Katie decides they need to make pre-trip vows-she won’t rage text and he will have her back.

Yay! Everyone made it to NOLA! They all check into the hotel, Jax’s card is declined of course. He’s got a back up. He says they always decline his cards when he goes on a trip because he spends so much money. Oooooooh right. It’s the Shays 2nd Anniversary so they’re going off alone for a bit.

The couples check into their nice, spacious rooms-Stassi is down at the end of some hallway in a small, standard room. She’s really feeling sorry for herself.

Katie and Schwartz find a card and champagne from LVP, who has paid for their suite. Stassi knocks on the door-she’s ordered the 3 of them room service, and yes she will have some of that champagne thankyouverymuch. Stassi says it’s strange to be back in her hometown. The room service comes, Katie and Schwartz decide to call and thank LVP before they get drunk. LVP answers the call as she’s feeding her ponies, she asks why Stassi is there-Schwartz says 3rd wheel-they thank her, you’re welcome, goodbye.

The group is walking down Bourbon St doing the tourist thing, getting beads, getting drunk. Katie gets beaned in the head by some beads.

Stassi takes everyone to her favorite bar. Sandoval relinquishes his Tom #1 status up to Schwartz.

The Shays are at their Anniversary dinner-she gives Shay a book of pictures of herself. Um. Err. Oh. They tell each other how in love they are and they can’t believe how far they’ve come. Yeah, all the way to divorce court.

The booze is flowing, Sandoval asks Katie how she’s doing. She tells him that most of the reason she and Schwartz fight is over friends. Sandoval starts to defend Lala but Katie cuts him off. He calls BS on friends being the reason they fight.

Ariana tells Schwartz that she thinks alcohol is behind many of the arguments he and Katie have. Ya think? Schwartz reveals that Katie often doesn’t remember them. Ariana says that’s scary.

Sandoval is still trying to get through to Katie. He suggests a mediator or therapy before the wedding and Katie is highly offended by that notion. As Schwartz approaches, she announces she’s NOT having fun, because “Sandoval thinks we need therapy”. She flounces off as Schwartz cries “Bubba! Come back!”

Back in LA, James drops in at SUR to talk to LVP. He basically wants one of his jobs back at either SUR or PUMP, and she’s adamant that no way is he coming back.

Bourbon St drinking is in full effect. Kentucky pulls Stassi aside and as they sit down to talk, Kentucky blows Jax a kiss. That sets Stassi off-how dare Kentucky or ANYONE do couple-y things when Stassi is going thru a breakup??? Jax makes his way over, which makes Stassi even less happy. Jax lets them know he’s really drunk and wants to know what Patrick’s problem was with him? Stassi says Patrick knew all the crap that Jax did to her so had zero interest in being in the same room. Jax says that’s really stupid. Stassi wants an apology from Jax, she’s crying of course because Jax doesn’t GET IT.

Stassi gets what she wanted, finally-and that’s a drunk, over the top, slurry, teary apology from Jax. She thanks him and gets the hell out of there, leaving a pissed Kentucky in her wake. Kentucky feels some type of way because she’s in a relationship with Jax and he’s never apologized, much less like that, to her. Jax is slurring excuses, they have words, and Kentucky leaves the table.

Next week: Katie has a naked butt in her face. Kristin starts shit and doesn’t mind her business. Arguments in drag. Schwartz is done.

Talk soon, Lovelies!

-Allie